|
well, again another blow to another day...at the opthamology appointment today I was told that I have a cataract starting on my right eye, which is the cause of my blurry right eye. He thinks the new script will help sharpen my vision. at 53, I am just too damn YOUNG to have a cataract. Since when does a 53 year old get cataracts? Isn't it enough that I feel personally responsible for everything that has gone on in my life, and furthermore, responsible for creating alters that had to take all the pain and suffering so I could remain "intact". The only problem with that is that I don't know how to turn it off anymore, and creating new alters because I can't stand the pain is just another one of those things that I feel extremely guilty about. Why can't I just STOP this insanity and try to figure out how to accept the pain and suffering when it comes up instead of giving it to someone else to deal with? What the hell am I thinking? I am going from bad to worse in a hurry, and I don't like what I'm feeling. It isn't enough that I have so many physical things wrong with me, but I have now another thing to worry about. And I feel like I'm dying...physically and emotionally. Is there going to be anything left of me to feel like I'm someone who contributes instead of just taking most of the time? God, it's like I need to just disappear and let everyone else be there when they need to be. I don't feel like I contribute to any part of me except for the addition of alters. I can't go through this any longer. Do I quit? Do I just go away and let others take charge? Do I just disappear from my family and let Myriam have a wonderful life without me? Would she even miss me? Would she want me to stay if I can't be the kind of mom I WANT to be, but can't be? How can I tell her that she would be better off with her dad? I CAN'T. that's the whole thing. She doesn't want to live with him, she says he ignores her mostly when she is over there for their weekend together. And he is trying to get me to discipline her the way HE wants her disciplined. Who the hell does he think he is? He aint my husband any more, he has NO right to try to make me impose discipline (he calls it punishment) on Myriam that I am not in agreement with. What the hell is wrong with me...thinking that I should be the same way with her when everything in me screams that what he is doing is just so wrong? But, where do I go from here? Do I run away, taking her with me? Do I dare to go underground and find a new identity in a new town, even a new state? Would what he is trying to do to me considered abuse still? He has no vested interest in her. He doesn't spend quality time with her, and he picks the stupidest battles to fight with her instead of picking the really important ones. What do I do? Where do I turn? What is wrong with me in even contemplating imposing HIS lack of moral values into MY life and MY relationship with MY daughter? Does anyone really know how to get away from someone like this? Do I go to Friend of the Court and demand that they get involved with taking his money and giving it to me so I don't have to see him, or deal with him? I'm so confused, so tired of the stupidity he exhibits...what do I do now?????????????
Yahna, the main Jewel
__________________
True love exists when we lose ourselves to invest in the care of others.
|