Last night I did something I knew I shouldn't have. I went to bed angry.
My teeth were grinding involuntarily, my heart rate was unusually fast,
and I felt like punching something, screaming, and/or self harming worse than I ever have in the past.
My husband tried to comfort/console me and I pushed him away!!! I never push him away.
But the anger in me made me do it.
I didn't sleep a wink. All I did was toss and turn all freaking night long.
I have no clue why I was angry or what/who my anger was directed at.

Then, around 7:30 my husband got up and went downstairs and told me to text him if I needed anything.
A few minutes later I texted "I need a sudafed or some Nyquill or something so I can be knocked out and not do anything stupid."
He brought me a nausea pill that may cause drowsiness.
I took it and like 30 minutes later I was out like a light and I slept until 1:30. I got up and took a shower.

I am still pretty pissed and I don't know why. I hate this. It sucks. I know my husband is getting frustrated,
because he is usually really good at calming me down when I am angry, sad, etc... but nothing he does is helping.
I know he is getting tired of asking me "What's wrong? What are you angry at?" and all I can tell him is
"What's the point of asking when you know I am gonna say 'I don't know'?"

What the hell is wrong with me?!?!

I don't know if this makes a bit of sense, but I wish I could die.
I am saying that I am suicidal. It's not that I want to actually do anything to kill myself...
I just wish I could... I don't know... go to sleep and not wake up.