I miss him.
Oh GOD I miss him.
I can't. But I do.
He texted me today and asked me how my week went.
I told him I survived it.
Then he called me and we talked about random things.
I miss him. I miss feeling needed. I miss feeling wanted.
I miss having someone to spend time with.
I know the relationship was a real fraud. But he's a good guy.
My therapist told me I'm not supposed to idealize the relationship.
I can't do that. But I still miss it.
Now I get to cry again. I wish I was over this already.
I want to grow up. I need to snap out of this.
I want my mom to actually care about me and help me.
I don't think I can do this.
I'm so scared. I don't want to be alone.
I wanted it so much. Now its over.
I just wanted someone to spend time with. Someone I could care about.
I wanted to be normal.
I just want to be happy.
I need someone to care. I need someone to want to spend time with me.
I need someone to give me a hug and tell me to snap the **** out of this.
I don't like being alone. I hate it so much.
When will this get better? When is it easier?
How do I get myself out of this?
Michelle told me that I shouldn't go "what if".
Didn't care about the future. I was enjoying the present too much.
Then poof, its gone.
People say I did the right thing.
Stood up for myself, took control. Didn't play the doormat.
But I can't help but feel crappy.
He's not feeling bad about this. Nothing's changed for him.
He never felt anything. But I did. Foolishly.
I can't take the blame for it all. But I was so clueless.
Don't like being taken advantage of. Don't like men.
I always wind up screwed over in relationships somehow.
Don't like being abandoned. But I left him. I don't know why.
Please someone just kill me. Put me out of my misery.
Tell me to snap out of it. Distract me. Drug me up. Hit me over the head.
Anything to snap out of it. I don't like being numb.
But it's better than bawling my eyes out again.
I don't want to talk to women, because I don't need someone to be emotional with me.
But I don't want to talk to men, because they remind me of him. Always problem solving damn things.
I just want someone to distract me long enough to snap me out of this.
Not sure what else to do. I don't know what to do.
Don't know what to feel. Don't know what to say.
Can't feel. Can't do anything. **** I just want to stay in bed and cry.
Please make this stop. It's like a funnel and I'm disappearing down it.
Help. Tell me this will get easier. Tell me that it won't.
Tell me what I'm supposed to do.
What should I feel? How do I get through this?
I just want this all to go away. Please help.