Thought maybe if I put this up here too, that others who feel somewhat the same way can " get it off their chest" so to speak. But please keep in mind, this cannot be about anyone here at PC
. Thanks!
I've been holding this anger inside for awhile now. Almost a year and a half. What is the anger about? Well.. several things really.
- First of all I feel sick , just plain old sick that after all the therapy I have had, all the talks I've had with my former T, all the times I've talked myself into and then out of going face to face with my dad and family. I find myself in a daze daily about this. Just having a conversation with myself . Like how it would go. Thinking it over and over and over in my head And I just cant deal with them.
- I am angry because with all the therapy I had, I still am letting them manipulate my words , feelings and I am not standing up for myself.
- I am still SCARED to voice my opinion around them.
- I am still SCARED to admit my mistakes, and bad choices.
- I feel that I am holding onto guilt because of the how they want me to feel.. if that makes sense.
- I do feel bad that I have not seen my dad now since January 08. But equally I feel that he has access to a phone and if he cared to see or talk to me, he could call if he wished to do so. So that goes both ways. Yes Maybe I should be the bigger person. But dang it, other than this , my life has turned around big time since I dont have to take care of him or his rental homes or any of the other crap that got put all on my shoulders. My shoulders alone. Never mind there were 6 other kids that could have been helping. And one for sure that was supposed to be helping in the first place. But stepped aside cuz they couldnt be bothered. Yeah they had a life to live. And I didnt.
- YES I am angry about that too. They all got to live their lives While I was the one that had to do all the worrying , all the work. dealt with all the pain of watching my dad go thru heart attacks and strokes, Getting him to doctors, therapy and his care at home. And yes this is what a daughter does for her father... I did it because I loved him. I cared about him. and now all that seems null and void.
- And thats another thing... was this all for nothing? I feel like in a way, i made myself and my husband suffer thru soooo much.. and our marraige hurt because of how " dedicated " I was to my dad. I tell you , it was a thankless job on my siblings part.
- Angry that it is ok for them to have stood by but not ok for me to make mistakes.
- Angry because I am displaced. but then again, wasnt I always ? I never felt a real part of that family. Most of them saw to it that it was that way.
So what of these things do I have a right to be angry about and what dont I? And how the heck do I " get over it"? Help!!!! Please?!?!
I really want to shed the baggage if I can.. and move on and focus on MY LIFE the way I've wanted to for so long. Thanks
I had also wrote my former T( the one I just ended therapy with in January) This was his response. He does share a religious point of view on things , so if you're triggered by that sort of thing. Please bear caution.
My T's response:
hello beth,
all is well here, the family is doing just fine. I was happy to here from you and that things are still going pretty good for you. I knew you could do it, strength and courage lives within you. you just have to find it and use it.
as for how to deal with the family situation there are three things that will help you with this: identify it, own it, and pray for it.
identify it is when you figure out what you are responsible for in the relationship. remember, the things you can control are the things you are responsible for and that is it. you cant change them but you can change how you deal with them and respond to them.
own it is when you take what your responsible for and fix what you can of that. also, remember that everything may not be fixable, some things you just have to let go of (talking about your responsibility) and apologized for.
pray for it takes you asking for relief from the situation so that you can move on with your life. that, however, starts with you filing away what your responsible for not what others are responsible for. also, asking for a forgiving heart is a big things because without having everyone else admit their faults in the whole situation it is hard to forgive them but it is our responsibility to forgive other not for them to work for forgiveness. this also, does not mean that you forget the whole situation and walk back into being treated the same way. you can forgive and still guard yourself against hurt. don't forget to forgive yourself because you are your toughest critic
Here's your homework,trust in God and yourself the answers are there and sometimes it is just the silence that we need to hear the answers we know. One of the verses that I turn to often in situations like this when life needs clarification is "Be Still and Know that I am God" check out the link below for a short but powerful message (hope it takes you to the right place, first time I've to do this)
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...518#post959518
again, believe in yourself, I do.
I love how my T used to give me homework. It gave me a real sense of accomplishing something in my healing. And it also gives me something to look back on in case I need to .