Trying to figure out what is up with my emotions and hormones. I used to block a lot of emotions out, automatically. This upset me. I didn't want to feel numb or disconnected from others, but I wasn't sure how to take down the walls that my subconscious quickly erected. In fact, I wasn't sure if there were any walls. I thought, maybe there is something wrong with my brain and I am just....cold hearted. Later, as I would catch myself doing something like....crying over a commercial....it occured to me I wasn't void of empathy. There was something else going on. It took me a long time to truly realize I had been supressing emotions, and I won't get into what brought that ephiphany about due to it taking up a lot of space here.

However, the thing is, eventually, I did seem to reach this conclusion. Before this time, I found that when I would cry, sometimes, I felt nothing. I just cried. This was rare, though, from what I recall. Other times, when I cried and did feel I'd tell myself, I couldn't be having emotions that weren't selfish because I was a bad person. This didn't go with my view of myself as bad, so it couldn't be. I told myself my subconscious mind had started making me cry over these things in order to decieve other people into thinking I wasn't a bad person, AND to trick my very self into thinking maybe I wasn't such a bad person, so I could feel better. But I thought, I was on to my subconscious mind, I knew it was trying to trick me....I knew those tears were fake, I knew my feelings were forced and half a**ed, etc.

Well, later, even after the events that helped me realize I could feel, I sometimes still questioned the supression theory, telling myself I really was cold hearted. In the past, I excused my tears as being some manipulative, decietful act of my subconscious. These days, when my feelings feel too real to deny, I have a diff. theory. It's my hormones. It is true, my hormones seem to have changed in the past few years. So, how do I know the difference between healing and getting better in touch with my feeling, and just crazy hormones? I know our feelings are chemical based, but to me saying it's just increased hormones makes my feelings feel somehow fake or not as real and important. Plus, what happens when those levels change? Will I die inside? Am I healing? Is this "hormone" talk just another way of convincing myself I am bad and can't feel properly, or am is it true? Is it just the hormones?

Also, the a month or two ago, I felt myself shut down a lot more than I had been in awhile. It kind of worried me. It dissapeared, but is this always a threat? To close myself off again? I still feel I have walls up, but how can we remove them? We didn't consciously put them up and I feel I cannot consciously remove them, either.