My dad was a fun, caring, loving, man....everybody loved him. He would light up every room he walked into.

Two years ago, tomorrow, I received a voicemail at work from my parents neighbor saying something terrible was happening and that I needed to get to my parents house - quick.

I was eating lunch next to my coworker at the time, and I dropped my sandwich - said I had to go - grabbed my purse and RAN for the door. I got in my car and drove frantically down the highway, doing ungodly speeds.....I had no idea what was happening. I called my husband, hysterical, thinking - did something happen to our daughter? Wait, if it was our daughter, then my dad would've called. MY DAD!!! OMG, something happened to my dad!!!

When I got to my parents house, the medics were working on him inside - my mom was outside, and all I kept saying was "OMG, OMG, OMG"......I hugged my mom tight and then listened to a medic tell me that his heart stopped, they were trying to get him back....his pulse would come back faintly, but they would lose him again....I told the medic that they just have to save him, please save him.

You see, that day was Grandparent's Day in my daughter's kindergarten class. My mom and dad met my daughter there, and she was sooo thrilled to have them there. They took care of my daughter every day since she was 6 weeks old, so my parents had a great connection with her. She loves them dearly. Kayla read stories to my dad, drew pictures with my parents, and my dad - of course - had his camera ready to take photos!

About an hour after they returned home from Grandparent's Day, he collapsed at the kitchen table while reaching for a tissue - in front of my mom and my daughter. My mom is deaf, so she tried dialing 911....wasn't sure if it was working, so she had my daughter call 911.

My mom tried turning him over, but he was solid - and turning blue. When the medics got there, one medic took my mom and daughter into a different room....and my daughter said to my mom, "Don't worry, Mom-Mom, you have me now"....

OMG, so heartwrenching....

Anyway, later, the neighbor took my daughter to her house, so that she could be spared what she was already exposed too much to...

The medics were going to take my dad to the nearest hospital and told me that I might not want to look....so my mom and I looked away. I then drove to the hospital....(WHY DIDN'T I GO IN THERE AND TALK TO HIM!!?? MAYBE HE WOULD HAVE COME BACK!)

I felt like it was taking forever...my grandmother showed up, and I was panicking....how on earth was I going to face my daughter and tell her that pop-pop wasn't coming back?.....all these horrible thoughts went through my mind.....They took us to the "quiet room"....THAT was a bad sign....Finally, someone came in and was talking to me about my dad - but had him confused with someone else. I got SO ANGRY because NO ONE told me my dad was DEAD....

When I finally got a chance to see my dad, it was very upsetting to see him laying there - STILL TUBED....I will never, ever forget it.

*** shudder ***

To give you a little insight to my relationship with my husband, when I called my husband to tell him, he said, "Should I leave work?"....WHAT???? I told him that I wasn't in a place right now to know what HE should do....so he ended up WORKING the rest of the day! A couple of close friends of mine showed up at the hospital, as I was sitting on the curb, alone, crying...and called my husband (I didn't know) to tell him that he needed to get there! Too bad he was already too far out of the area.

My daughter cries about her pop-pop often....as do I....I still haven't handled the grief yet. We try to talk about my dad, but it's so hard. My daughter - now almost 8 - says that she doesn't like hearing the word pop-pop and that she doesn't like talking to me about him because I always cry.....Of course, as she's telling me this, I was crying.

I don't know when I'm going to be able to face the fact that he's gone....and go through all the stages of grief to where I can come to accept it. When will I be able to think about my dad and not feel crushed with grief and sadness.....and instead be able to reflect on all the wonderful times we shared, how funny he was, etc.

And my daughter must have some unresolved grief issues as well....we recently went to an emergency management for kids session, and one thing was practicing calling 911....She turned to me and said, "Mom, I already did that in real life"....and she didn't want to do it again.

I don't think she realizes that her pop-pop died on the day of her grandparents visitation.....because she talked about that day a couple of times....the morning....not the aftermath....in a fond way.

Oh, and to date, we have not gotten the pictures developed from the camera he took pictures with at Grandparent's Day....I know we need to do that soon, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it.

I'm done rambling...for now....Thanks for listening.