Hey chalmette70043,
holding it in and pretending nothing is wrong works for a while - you sound like you are going through a lot - I hope you have someone IRL to talk this through with - if not come here and talk - sometimes just letting it out helps - take care P7
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts 
its how many times you get back up! 
(Thanks to fenrir for my Picture 
)
When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown,
Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.
by Patrick Overton, author and poet