I cant eat... or I wont eat... I hate myself for what I have done, I killed my child, it was a boy and Ive always wanted a boy... now I know Ive lost my child but I fear that I have also lost the man I love... my friend he came with me to the clinic and I'm staying with him still and hes nice in the fact that he keeps making me food to eat but I just cant bring myself to eat at all.... I have so much anger... anger with myself, I wish that I had given myself more time to chose but the father, he wanted me to make a decision, I fear that I may have been too hasty in my choices and now I will never be able to go back.

My friend 'N' wants to get me out of the house but I prefer to sit in the dark and grieve for my loss, I prefer to feel the pain inside my soul... I know I will deal with this forever but I don't want to lose two people at once. 'J' said he would never stop talking to me, yet now he wont answer any of my calls... I don't believe that he understands how hard it is on me.... I don't know if he understands what everything is doing to me... I fear that I will make a bad decision now out of anger at myself and the fact that I no longer have his support and comfort.

When in the process of the abortion I wanted to tell them to stop, but I knew that it was too late. I wanted to tell them that I didn't want my child take from me but I didn't. I kept telling myself that this is what is right for me and for him but now it seems that I am slipping into darkness... I have lost sight on the world and what is good... I feel as though all I am now is pure EVIL and that nothing will phase me now.... WHAT HAVE I BECOME???