On fridays session T asked me if I'd seen the film the "Magdeline sisters"? and she asked if my birth mother had been catholic..my back was up, yes I said have seen the film but my birth mother wasn't in that home and came to Enland and got pregnant and married then with her first child, just because she was Irish and catholic doesn't make her a saint!!

I got home and emailed T some more because I was screwing but didnt really want to tell T why...but as the wkend went on I calmed down and emailed some more and of course T wasn't trying to gain sympaphy with my birht mother she was trying to help me see where I fit in in society, trying to help me see the way things were in that era..

I told T today that I felt she was about to "take care" of my birth mother and not me, just like my adoptive mother "took care" of my brother and not me, how his adoption story was always greeted with much empaphy and mine just sidelined..I told T I dont want to be back here now, I thought I'd got past this crap...I feel back at sq one, T said, not back at sq 1, but revisiting...

I then talked about how I know my birth mother must have had a terrible existence at some point to do what she did, to have become who she became, but that doesn't stop my hurt..and it doesn't excuse the cruelty she displayed on other siblings..

But what we did get down too, is that I have identified my birth mothers walking away from us all as power, its the way I could get powerful, by Identifying with that "toughness", but of course it wasn't a toughness, I mean it takes more courage to stay and walk through our troubles, but as a child when I first identified in this way I wouldnt have understood that...and thats where the trouble has been in me finding forgiveness for the woman. as I said to T, I mean why the hell can't I see the rest of my birth mothers story??? why can't I except she must have been a very vunrable and sad person...thats when T said about me identifying with what I felt was strenght...

I think today this really finally got through to me, I realised that I've used this to feel strong and now its ok, I can let her be a vunrable and sad humanbeing and I can now generate my own sense of strenght from what I've gone through in life and not through what my birth mother choose to do!..Hallalouya!!!