I guess it's because "normal life ups and downs" in my life, were always made otu to be failures by my adoptive family.. I don't know..

I had a pretty scary weekend, Connor came over and helped a little. When he left, though, I was way too close to cutting or OD'ing, but stayed in Charlene's room for the night, to make sure I'd be ok. We had a talk about our self harm and stuff and it was good. It helped a little, which is good.

Had the scariest night ever last night, though.. I couldn't convince myself that the voices, the visions weren't real.. They were real to me, they happened.. I saw it with my own eyes and felt it with my own skin. How can that not be real.. asically.. I went into the bathroom and out of the window saw shadows moving. I saw a blue torch shining in through the window, flickering in my eyes and then saw a face moving closer and closer.. I was so, so scared I had to escape the bathroom as fast as I could but they just wouldn't let me out.. The door wouldn't open. I felt so stuck, I started panicking but then allof a sudden the door opened.

Then, they were following me, shouting, screaming at me, telling me that if I didn't hurt myself then they would.. They'd make sure I didn't live to see another day. I was sat in Charlene's room on her bed, hiding the panic and such, when they stabbed me in the leg.. They grabbed my shoulders and shook me, stabbing me over and over and over again.. I was texting my friend, Tom at this point and he kept trying to reassure me that they weren't real but I just don't understand how it couldn't be real when I could see and feel it.. How?! They went away for a few months, but now they're back and they're going to kill me this time.. how do I stop them? They're going to kill me and everyone close to me.. Oh God.. What do I do???

It's horrible.. I can't let myself sleep, my body won't let me sleep because of the fear of them coming to kill me..