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Old Mar 02, 2009, 08:24 PM
Amii Amii is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2009
Posts: 3
Hi Everyone, Ive been reading this forum with interest.

Say hello to a 'FELLOW PLEASER'

I recommend a book called DISEASE TO PLEASE by Dr Joyce Braiker.

My disease has progressed from not being able to say NO and helping everyone in sundry to my own detriment, to doing THINGS FOR PEOPLE now before Im even asked.

I Second guess what everyone MAY need even before they know they need it. It must be a pain for some people, I know it is for me as it is extremely tiring also.

I know what you mean about running out of hours in the day to help.

Some of mine isnt so much 'helping' as things like making cards and doing artwork for them. The more people I get to know, the more birthday cards, xmas cards,pictures etc I feel I MUST make them. I cant leave anyone out as I dont want to hurt anyones feelings. So the list of people to make for became totally unmanageable.
Since reading this book I am pleased to say Im pleasing myself much more and not feeling so guilty about that.

What I have realised is 'helping' can become an addiction like any other...

It gets so you need to do more and more and more before you feel you are helping enuf, being nice enuf, or anything else enough in order to gain whatever it is we are subconsciously wanting to gain, whether its approval, avoiding punishment of some kind, or whatever else the subconscious 'pay off' is.
Anyway I thought Id mention the book, as I found it very helpful (ha) and has given me a lot of insights into my 'helping/doing for' behaviour.

All the best
Amii








Quote:
Originally Posted by athens64 View Post
Hello to everyone.. I'm new here.. just signed up yesterday. I'm hoping that here I may be able to find answers to so many questions I have about myself and the people close to me. I too believe I'm a people pleaser. I contantly feel that if I don't go out of my way to help others with what they need, then somehow I've let them down. I'm afraid they'll be dissapointed in me or angry and they'll leave.. I don't know why I feel this way but it's really frustrating me. Sometimes pleasing other people is alot of work. Pleasing your family, friends, coworkers and significant others leaves little or no time to do anything for yourself. I feel as if there aren't enough hours in the day between my job, which takes up 10-12 hours of each day, and then going home to start running errands and doing chores to keep everyone happy. I feel burned out most of the time. It's just so hard for me to say no to people.. especially if I have strong feelings for them. Then, saying no to something they want from me, brings up feelings of fear.. if I say no will they stop loving me? Will they dissapear from my life? I know this sounds absurd and I do try to rationalize these feelings but deep inside there's always this fear of losing the people I care about most. I don't know if this is due to my childhood or my upbringing. I was raised in a "normal" middle class family. Both parents were there. Of couse normal is a very broad term. There were times when things were not easy. My relationship with my mom is to this day a pretty distant one. Perhaps that's a place to start looking for answers as to why I feel the way I do?
Anyway, I'm happy I found this place.. it's comforting to know there are others out there who share the same troubles and have similar difficulties and are making efforts to sort out their lives..
I beleive that pleasing others is a good thing as long as it doesn't drain your life energy and make you unhappy. The difficult part is learning to control your need to do it.
Thanks for this!
Miracle1986, Miss Laura