It's ok.. I couldn't sleep last night because of it, I was constantly watching my back, wherever I went. I did some writing, which I'm going to post in creative corner and then just read my book for a while. Didn't sleep until about 2-3am and had to get up at 7.30. I'm going to go to the doctor about this at some point, I know I need to.. Just to make sure that something can be done about it.. I saw them again last night, heard them. I had the blade, I was so close, but then Charlene knocked on my door..

I've not gone to college today.. I feel like utter crap. I had enough sleep, you know.. The usual 4 hours is good enough for me.. But, I just can't face college today, not after the last couple of nights.. Last night, I stayed up for most of the night crying.. I didn't realise until I started speaking to Kevin, a counsellor who's a friend of my close friend's and who knows me quite well.. I found it easy to talk to him, and then started to realise that actually, there's so much hat i have just shoved to the bottom of the pit and not let go, not thought about, feeling I've not felt, things I've not done.. It felt awful and it was incredibly overwhelming, which, I guess is why I pushed it all down so much..

So.. I'm in a really overwhelmed state today, feeling really, horribly depressed, despite having taken my anti-d's and everything and I just really don't want to go to college today..

I'm going to email my tutor, see if I can go in to see her some time today, to talk about everything, tell her that a very, very close friend of mine died recently and I've been finding it hard to cope with and such. Let's hope she's symp[athetic to that and doesn't just say "well it's no excuse!" But then she can't say that, because I'll be saying that I know it's no excuse.

I really, really ought to go to my dr about this because it's now got to the point where it's disrupting my college course and making me fall behind, making me feel worse, making me fall behind even more and so on and so forth. It's yet another catch 22.