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Mar 03, 2009, 04:45 AM
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Member Since: Jun 2008
Location: WYLTK
Posts: 768
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it's my anniversary - it's been three years now since i started taking meds for my depression. and i realized i'm in the same f-ing spot i was back then. my whole life has changed in that time, and there's nothin' i can do about it. i couldn't finish college, can't work, and i'm back home with my parents.
i don't think about this crap often because i can't control my thoughts. if i start thinking about all this, my mind goes off and i have no idea what kind of thoughts will be in my mind. i actually said the other day, 'i have things to do before i go'. (and i don't know if i was meaning when i die or what...) and i told my dad tonight that i couldn't die because our farm cats needed me - that i'm the only one who spends time with them.
i go back to my doc next week. what am i suppose to tell her - that i think i've given up... that i don't want to try anymore 'cuz i'm scared of failling even more... i don't want to be around friends or family because they all ask the same question- so what are you doing? i don't f-ing want to answer that... i don't smile much anymore. basically the only times i do are when i'm alone or with my one friend who never asks those q's. is that f-ing sad or what?!
i don't talk about this with anyone 'cuz i'm so f-ing scared that when i'd need them, they wouldn't be there. my dad wants me to go to a treatment center, just because our pastors wife went there... my mom wants me to stop seeing my doc... some days i only get out of bed because my cats need me and i need them! and now i'm crying, which means i won't be able to get to sleep for about an hour and it's three-thirty in the morning... 
what the hell do i do.....
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