Everything.. The emotions, the thoughts, the things I should do everyday. I just pushed it all away without realising.

I've been numb for so long, I haven't actually been able to think, feel, or do anything. I've just been on auto pilot and I only realised it last night when I was talking to Kevin, a counsellor who's a friend of my close friend, Sam, who died not very long ago.. I started talking to him easily about it all and started to finally open up more fully to someone and so easily, too. It opened up many doors that I have kept tightly shut and locked for so, so long.

I thought about Sam, her death, how I'd grieved for a while, but then just locked all the emotions away, just become an 'it', a robot just doing the normal day to day things; wake up, get out of bed, get dressed, maybe have breakfast, go to college, deal with college, come home, maybe eat, see people, go to bed and wither sleep or don't sleep. I thought about Chris, Sam's husband, his death. I thought about everyone in my life that has died and started to realise that it's always been when I've just got close to that person, and the last 3 deaths were of people who I'd agreed to meet, agreed on a date and everything.. Sam and I.. We'd arranged to go to a Josh Groban gig, with our close friend, Georgie. Chris and I, we'd arranged to meet up to talk stuff over, Allie and I had arranged to meet up, to get to know each other better.. It's awful. Why did it have to happen then?

It's overwhelmed me so much that I can't even go to college today.. I can't even face anybody today.. I have a meeting about becoming a board member for the residents here at the YMCA, which means meeting monthly with the manager, chairperson, governors etc. Scary stuff, it's another thing to take my mind away from all this..

I just wish I had that chance to see them, meet them, say goodbye to them.. One thing I'll always regret is not being able to go to their funerals.. I'll always regret that. I hate, hate, HATE myself for that

I wish I'd been stronger and faced up to all those feelings and thoughts.. I wish i could understand it.