TPND,
Please don't be so hard on yourself. Funerals are for the living. Those who are gone aren't tied to those types of rituals or material things. I do understand though, having felt that way when I was declared too young to go to my cousins.

You have been through a lot. It's hard to get in touch with such a tremendous amount of pain. I have no words of wisdom on how to "unstuff" it because I do the same thing. But I hope you can be gentle with yourself and find some sense of peace.