Quote:
Originally Posted by Luce
Sitting, I am like that in T too. I wonder if it is because everyone *starts* T from a different place on the old trusting spectrum. I guess most folk have, at some point in their lifetime, been able to trust at least a few others around them. They know what trust is and have experience of some people being trustworthy. I suppose for them, developing trust in the T relationship is simply a matter of getting to know the T and gradually revealing tidbits about themselves as they 'test the waters'.
I never developed trust with anyone. Ever. Learning to trust in therapy - even a tiny bit - takes me eons. For me, taking that leap to reveal anything even close to vulnerable material is like climbing a mountain in itself.
My T raised this issue with me last time I saw her and wants to discuss it next week. She sort of suggested that perhaps I do not feel comfortable with her and might be able to form a closer therapeutic relationship wth someone else. Funny thing is, from my perpsective I feel very comfortable with her (remembering that I'm judging that according to my frame of reference and (in)ability to trust others). I guess what I am viewing as the beginnings of feeling able to trust is experienced by her as still being given the cold shoulder!
Sorry for the waffle - point being: everyone starts from a different place on the trusting spectrum, and perhaps progress is largely determined by that starting point. Starting on the low end doesn't mean you'll never 'get there', but it may mean it could take a bit longer.
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How long have you been in therapy? I am a year and a few months, and I know I do not like revealing anything close to vulnerable material either! I had a dream over the weekend that there was this little 8 year old boy (me, probably even though i'm not 8 or a boy!) who was sitting in the back of the classroom. The teacher asked the kids to group off for some project, and for some reason he was left alone. Obviously this upset him. A little while later he was sitting in a different part of the room, and something else happened to upset him. He started acting out, and the acting out kept getting worse. At first it was sitting sullen and not answering questions, then he was making fun of other kids...until at one point he was about to do something really bad (something about throwing explosive crayons out the window...haha) and the teacher looks at him and goes "You know, if you keep this up they are going to lock you away for a long time." He just looks back at her and says "Yeah, I don't care. I don't care what happens to me" She looks back at him sympathetically and goes "Oh, honey, whats wrong? What is making you so sad?" Then he bursts out bawling. Either the dream ends or I don't remember any more.
The point is, I KNOW my T will interpret it as me in therapy, or maybe I interpret it that way, I don't know. But it is depicting this sad, little kid who breaks down after a little bit of sympathy...and that scares the crap out of me! I dont even want to tell my therapist this dream because it shows vulnerability...in a dream.