Just writing here is difficult. Although I haven't been formally diagnosed with post tramatic stress disorder (I'm a veteran and don't want to um, lose benefits because it is a personality disorder...)

Anyway, this PTSD I believe is a direct result of my upbringing. I was adopted into a family where I sustained over an extended period of time, psycological abuse from my adoptive mother (long story, I was part of a package deal with my two biological sisters.

I've had sustained periods where I am feeling normal, but lately, it's like spending you life feeling like a deer staring into the headlites of an oncoming MAC truck. I'm scared of the world.

I'm on meds that help. I'm about to try some healing through Buddhist medidation and beliefs (this has helped me greatly before). Since I started experiencing the abuse at a preverbal stage, sometimes I have trouble dumping this part of my crappy past and getting on with life.

I am in the process of applying for social security disability insurace. I just started the process, so I expect that it will take some time to go through the process (years I hear). I based it on my bipolar illness as well as several physical minor handicaps.

I have the housing and the food thing covered. I also have a roommate that takes care of the everyday stuff right now because some days, I just can't seem to get out of bed.

I guess I just need encouragement and see if anyone could relate to any of this.

I feel like I had a former self that was strong, productive, made some ok money. Kinda miss that me, but I guess I'll have to make friends with the new me....whomever that might turn out to me.

I started practicing Buddhism and that has helped a lot...as long as I worked at it. I'm also going to find some info on PTSD and read about it.

Is there any hope for someone like me?

Primarily, my PTSD reacts strongly to strong negative emotions such as other people's rage, their anger, as well as having some negative thoughts running around in this old head of mine.