Hello everyone, My name is Stephanie and I am 19 years old. For the first time I decided to voice my stories and experiences, and I figured why not do it in a forum with people who might understand. I tried writing this the other day, but I was clearly in a very manic state of mind, and I couldn't keep calm. I also know that this will not be enough for me, and that I do need to seek professional help, to actually voice it and find the cause to my problems, these are things I rarely talk about and make me feel extremely uncomfortable when talking about them.
I want to also say I believe because of my traumas and experiences in my life that I may have developed some other type of mental illness. I want to list off some of the things I feel to see if anybody can relate to me or help me try to figure out what is causing this, or triggering this.

These are alot of the feelings I feel :

Paranoid (even about silly things, like breathing)
Anxiety
Emptiness
detached, "the outsider" not belonging..
Tense
Insomnia every other night, sometimes its really bad when my brain doesnt turn off and dwells on alot of problems in my personal life.
Scared
Intense

I can be extremely happy one moment, and then very explosive the next, never resulting in physical violence, but indeed yelling and shouting.
I often can't figure out what I'm feeling, and most of the time my mind races and goes blank, and all I come up with is "I Don't Know" because I jump and panic and race my brain. I feel as if I go through alot of emotions at once.

I was also reading some of the threads, that mention Hypervigilance? I feel that aswell..

It is really hard for me to go through my thoughts because like i said, my mind races all of the time, and it feels as though I am running on adrenaline, which makes it even more hard to sleep.

In love relationships, I become very attached, and jealous, and paranoid about the relationship, having a fear of abandonment, or being paranoid about cheating, which ultimately causes damage and chaos. I have many insecurites.

In friendships, I do not develop close friendships, but more of an aquaintance type, I do not trust people, so when I do get comfortable in speaking with people I get paranoid about what I have told them, what they think, and I come up with scenarios and alot of the time I will destroy my relationships and friendships. I have no actual friends, and I just believe its because of my own actions and closing up and going into a shell.

The reason I say all this is because I do believe is stems from growing up with a mother who has PTSD and also going through experiences of my own.

On February 10th of 1994, a man walked into my mother's work and walked up to her cash out. He proceeded with a floodlight lightbulb and a pack of Large DeMaurier cigarettes. He paid for them and then he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a semi-automatic gun. My mother leaped back against a wall in her little cashier terminal. The man told her to give him the money and he wouldn't shoot her, my mom remembers saying "you won't shoot me?" and then she went to the cash register and the man held the gun to her ribs, she remembers thinking that she couldn't run, because he could shoot her in the back, and that she was waiting to hear a bang from the gun so she could quickly cover up her wound. She gave the man the money and he began to walk to the door to get out of the store which was 12 feet away from her cash register, as the man the walking towards the door my mom was coming out of shock and was ready to explode and yell. The man dropped his cigarettes on the way out and turned and looked back at my mother I guess just to make sure she wasn't doing anything, as the man was leaving he bumped into a man on the payphone who later became a witness. My mom yelled "HE'S GOT A GUN! HE'S GOT A GUN!" and her manager jumped over the set of stairs and locked down the store immediately.

I remember being at home, and my dad receiving a phone call from my mother, and I remember the panic, and the rush out the door, getting me and my brother ready. I don't think I knew really WHAT was going on, but I remember fearing that my mother was dead, or was going to die, and I think I even said in the backseat of the car, I don't want my mommy to die. I was 6 and my brother was 8.

I remember going to the police station and I remember dialing 911 on the phones inside the police station and I remember them asking my mother to tell me to stop phoning them from inside the police station. lol.
The reason I can tell you about the robbery in detail is because my mom relives it, and I know it all, every experience, and it makes me relive that fear of oh my god, my mother almost died, and then makes me remember other incidents that have bothered me.

My mother went to Psychologists and Psychiatrists, She has been through exposure therapy, and even hypnosis, and they tell her she will never be better. She refuses to take medication because she didn't like not being alert, and it is what she needs so desperately to be, is alert in the world.
(I am going to need to take breaks, there is alot I need to say, and one sitting isnt going to do it, I hope it is okay If I keep typing here, this is a major release for me in my times of lowness, and this is the first time that I have decided to try this and be open, I'll probably freak out about it later and hate that I did it, but right now it's working.)
After the robbery, my mom was completely different, She had to go on a permanent disability with Canada Pension and was no longer allowed to work because of her Anxiety, I believe she even went back to work two days after the robbery and blacked out and collapsed from an Anxiety attack. Because of this, my father had to get 2 jobs, and was never home. We lived in Ontario, and it wasnt exactly easy. I don't really have a close relationship with my father, and am extremely attached to my mother.

(I am starting to jump thoughts, I apologize I'm just going to finish up saying some things about how my mother acted and what I have seen and endured, and then I will begin with the next experience that I believe has had an affect on my life.)

My mother began staying up all night with the lights on, and sleeping all day with a knife under her pillow. We would put bars in our windows, double bolt locks and put chairs underneath the door handles. I remember times where we had been in the car and out of nowhere she would yell at us and freak out to lock our doors. I remember going for walks with her at night and we always had to bring a weapon, always, if there was no weapon, there was no walk. weapons included things like a pen, or a nail filer, anything sharp or pointy. Out on the walk, I could see her paranoia, and I became paranoid. We could never go somewhere without her having an attack or something..I believe my mom became way too overprotective, and in turn we just detached ourselves from the world, we never let anybody in.

I'm going to take a break and recollect now, I'm starting to get a headache..when I come back I will tell you more about alot of things in my family that has happened. There are three main stories I want to say that I think also added to where I am now..there is one story that I am unsure of telling because it makes me really uncomfortable, and I don't really like thinking of it, and whenever my mother brings it up I feel very awkward. It is a sexual experience, and it was with a cousin because my uncle was sexually molesting some of my cousins. and it was witnessed by some of my mother cousins and my brother, and I think it is definately a problem for me, and may be the reason why I am as lesbian, or am extremely confused with my sexuality.

I probably sound ridiculously crazy..and I feel like I am getting extremely tense and kind of freaking out, so I think I am going to go for a break, and maybe will be back in a bit..

I guess I am just here for some help, and advice, I am really scared to go seek professional help, and my mom doesnt listen to me, but I think she doesnt listen to alot of things because she is definately worried, and would rather avoid it and I hate to say it, but my mom is definately suffering herself. The fact is I know there is something wrong with me, and I dwell on it, and maybe by opening up to some people might help. Thank you all in advance, and I will be back with more stories if anybody is interested..I would like to tell them. The home invasion, and about my uncle and that situation and also, my grandmothers death on July 1st of last year.. I also want to kinda of describe how I was in school, and how I am now.

I also wanted to know if anybody knows if PTSD can cause other mental illnesses..I am quite curious now, I feel as though I am on a mission to figure out what is wrong with me, because I know there is definately something wrong with my mood swings and general feeling. Sometimes not feeling anything at all..numbness..