I've been in a bit of a self-loathing loop this week. In therapy we talked about the past again and my fears about excavating the feral child. See, as my mind has traveled back in time to recall past, I've also started to unveil some of the emotions that go with the previously unearthed silent movies playing in my head. The thing is I am not only remembering the negative side of fear, violence, and pain. I am also remembering the extreme rush of addrenaline and the excitement of being temporatory out of control. A few times after being asked to recall an event or trying to talk about what happen, I've left therapy feeling like...all 50 trillion cells in my body were ossilating at a higher frequency. This response scares me a great deal...because I liked it. I expressed this to my T, but I'm not sure she really understands my concern. I said that I was afraid that the child of my past was REALLY evil and that maybe there is a good reason why my parents worked so hard to get me to contain it. Maybe I numbed or caged myself for good reason--I get caught up and feed on the addrenaline rush. Maybe if I now uncage it and start persuing the things I want...it will lead me on a path of destruction.

So my question to the group is...Do you think our innate desires or motivations are evil? When you feel the addrenaline rush, do you embrace it or attempt to qual it?

My mind has been going crazy with spill over from this. I'm not sure if this is some stage in un-numbing. I've been drawing a lot of wild explosive images that appear to be a total tangled mix of present and past. It is like my pent up/repressed emotions have surfaced and I'm struggling to contain and process them. I don't know what to do with the images. I don't know if I should stop drawing, continue drawing, send them to my T, hold them, distroy them, analyze them????????

What would you do if your head was exploding with crazy images... other than admit yourself to the hospital LOL?