SO I went for my 2nd pdoc appt -

after the first one i emailed her - she said it was ok - and told her that I had been distressed when I left her office and that a couple of things had triggered me - that I had not been sure seeing a pdoc was going to help but that it had helped me realise things i needed to work on with my psychologist (she had mentioned me seeing a T at her practice but I told her I had one i trusted - she said that was ok)

So last time it was all - you could see a T for another year and still not be ok - but I can help you out of this in 6 months - she told me I was a challenge (didnt know what to make of that - what do you say when someone says you're a challenge?)

This time - she said she hadnt realised I was upset when I left - hmm the session finished 10 mins early cos I dried up shut down and was only saying yes or no - she said I thought you were happy -
she said that she had read my history (strange cos she took 10 mins out of my previous session to read my history)and had decided that seeing a pdoc wouldnt help that I needed a T for talk therapy (what happened to you could see one for a year and still be unwell and I can fix this in 6 months) she said I should stay on my anti-d's for another YEAR! even after my dr and I had both said they werent helping me much - she said that i must have disassociated when I SI like I did when I was a child to see if I could feel anything - and I said no as I had already said it was to ground myself and let the pain out - and that I had few if any memories of the violence and SA in my childhood and she said "See!" hmmm now imagine the sound of crickets in the background......(and i didnt SI in my childhood either)

I felt I should be but i didnt know what for? she said she had already written to my dr to tell her so flashed the letter on her screen said see and then flashed it off again - maybe i wasnt enough of a challenge? maybe with the history of childhood SA and violence - she went washed her hands and decide I was either too crazy or not crazy enough?

What is it they say - every time a door shuts... another one slams in your face LOL

maybe I just dont belong here

oh just remembered she also said I should tell my T about "learned helplessness" apparently they shocked a rat every time it went for food and then in the end it starved to death cos it wouldnt go near the food even when the electricity was turned off - I said that was very sad for the rat and very bad of the scientists - but I dont get what she is trying to tell me? adn I was too rabbit in the headlights to ask - and now its too late..... dunno?!

I guess this is what i am always afraid of - to have a hand held out and then taken away when I accept help offered...