Ok, made it today. I told T about the rejection sensitivity and transference connection. Apparently all that is yesterday's news. Yeah, we have been through it before, but I felt it more and it went deeper this time.

T says that I shut down when she expects me to actually do something about a problem, and none of my smokescreens and whistles fit the bill. Yeah, she's probably right about that too. Because I know she expects me to come up with solutions, but I'm fresh out of solutions. Take away all my distractions and smokescreens, and I create an illusion that convinces me there isn't anything else. And it boils down to that I am afraid to see myself for who I really am, or to let anyone else see the real me, or to actually be real. So I keep hiding and avoiding. And T says that this is what I am in therapy for. And that the solution is to stop hiding and avoiding, and face the fear.

I forgot the not deserving help because I'm not allowed to have problems angle. That's just as well though. She would have thought I was whining. I guess I did ok this time. Only one major shutdown.