Wow, did I just *$% up...what the hell is wrong with me!?!?!?

Ok, I really wish I could follow my own advice...but as I didn't, help! Yesterday and today, for reasons unbeknownst to me, I have been feeling really insecure, feeling down, and very upset. Again, I don't know why...just am.

Ok, situation is this - My wife emailed me asking me to email her some figures. I send her an email back, because I couldn't find what she asked for. 45 minutes later, she hasn't replied back.

Off go my stupid insecurities and I call her. She answers and from the get go I have an attitude - grrrr. I ask her, "So, are you going to tell me where the tax forms are?" She, being unaware of what I am feeling, is talking normal to me. Me being me, I say, "I understand that you're working, and you have told me to not expect you to email me right away when I email you (old conversations), but it's been 45 minutes on something you wanted me to do, what is going on?" Bam...there it was, &*$%!!!!!!!! Why can't I bite my tongue!?!?!

She goes on to say something...and I'm getting more and more upset...mind you I am watching my temper, and my tone now, I caught it and had stopped. But I don't get it...I can understand getting busy at work, so wtf am I thinking? This is a battle that didn't even need to start, yet alone be fought! I had told her before, that since "D" day...and if you don't know you can look up this --> http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=89792 this will explain some of it...PTSD, the other part of the explination. So, she has problems talking to me, telling me lies (inadvertently, lies of omission, none really straight out verbalized), and has a huge problem communicating her feelings to me.

PTSD does that to a person...yet when asked, "If our daughter came up to you and said, 'Mommy do you love me?' your answer would immediately be yes? Right?" Withouth hesitation she said yes. But, yet, when we have our talks, which I had been really good at limiting, but recently, last night and today to be more specific, I have been talking TOO much, and I ask something like ... oh, about our relationship, I either have to answer for her, and she'll either disagree or agree, or she hesitates...she says she's thinking, but in my mind ... is she? "Do you love me?" Simple yes or no question. Without hesitation, if she asked me I'd say of course I love you, very much!...she, hesitates, looks down, just, goes blank, it seems, and when I say...well, there's my answer, she says NO!, I was thinking...WTF is she thinking about?

That was my vent...because I know the answers. Yes, she loves me. Yes everything is ok, yes, I am stupid. Yes, I have some weird compulsion, really bad one yesterday and today, for affirmation, assurance. My insecurities eating me alive! I just answered Mr.Mike's questions with what I was doing to not be this way, and then off I go! High anxiety...on the edge of panic, but why?

To make it worse, and again, remember I wasn't yelling, wasn't talking in a mean voice, I was quite calm after the initial question, and even asked her to tell me if I was talking down to her, she said no...but I made her cry. OMG! Someone hit me with a friggin 2X4 in the head!

She hung up and emailed me, all she said was, "I'm crying, I love you." I of course then profusely apologised, told her I wasn't trying to hurt her, that I am an idiot...blah blah blah, it's all true. She said it's ok, but today was just a bad day all around, she's got her period, and she's really emotional today. I find that odd too! What!?!?! She doesn't cry, she hides her emotions, period. She feels if she cries she's showing weakness, she's showing that she's vulnerable, and she just doesn't do it. I was such an @$$ that I broke that point and made her cry, OMG...anyone have that 2X4?

I can only hope and pray she sees this as a minor set back to who I had become, and not who I am, and that everything will be ok. I have to stop this $h17! Wish I knew how...

Thanks for reading...think I'll go into a corner and ... think.