Ihateit,

I think it is wonderful you love your wife so much after all this time, and that you care so much for your children. That is really sweet. I know each situation is unique, but I can relate somewhat to that post. I have never been married, nor with anyone for 11 yrs. However, I had a long term relationship with a guy that I loved very much, and the feeling seemed to be mutual. I am not trying to hijack your post, but just want to shortly mention a little about our past situation in an effort to let you know I can relate somewaht. Anyway, like you, I had anger issues. And like your wife, he had PTSD. It's not a good combo, even when you really love each other, and since they can't just get over PTSD, it is really up to us, I think, to control our anger, which needs to be done, anyway, but is much easier to say it needs to be done than it is to do it.

We broke up, but this doesn't have to happen in your situation. You have made a wonderful first step in getting therapy for your anger. I never really worked on this in therapy, and should have. Maybe if I had been addressing that and improving, we would still be together, but I think our situation was really complicated, so it wasn't the only thing that done us in. We had other issues. So, again you can definitely make this work, and I applaud you for doing something I wish I had done- sought help. Even if things never worked out between us, I still wish so much I had sought help, so I would have less to regret now, and so he could have recieved better from me. So, the fact that you are doing this shows you care, and you CAN get better! You should be proud of this decision.

I mentioned the breakup only because I'd felt a similar way as you- to some degree, "I thought everything was ok (ignorance is bliss?)," but "I knew we were having a few problems...." Unfortunately, I caught this too little too late, but the fact that your wife still wanted to work things out and is now back to saying she loves you and you can still touch her deeply enough to make her cry (even though I know you regret doing so) is a good sign that this is salvageable and mendable, I think!

You said, "During the talk she spit out I am not in love with you, I don't need you, this is over and there's nothing you can do about it." Wow. That is very harsh, I know, and while it is good for her to be open and honest if she means such things, I can understand how this must have hurt very deeply. I am sorry that happened. *offers hugs, but only if wanted*

You said, "I came to find out, I had mad a few huge mistakes...." Yeah, I found out I made more than I realized, also. And I also found out that some of the ones I was aware of bothered him more than I had known. I do feel resonsible for what happened with my ex and me to a degree, but some of it was no one's fault, I guess. Yet, on top of this, I feel he should have been more open with me and communicated with me about some of the problems that I didn't realize were problems, and also about some of the problems that I never knew bothered him so badly. But due to my anger, I think maybe he was afraid to talk to me for fear of starting a fight. Communication before things escalate if very important. You need to let your wife know how important it is that she talks to you when she feels this way, BUT at the same time you need to make sure she feels safe talking openly and honestly with you when these things crop up. But it is great you recognized some of these issues yourself, because if you can recognize the problems as they crop up, it'll be easier to fix and prevent them.

"....yet she never actually said she wasn't in love with me anymore, but it was out there, hanging in the air." Yeah, I know how that is. *offers hugs if wanted again*

The fact that you have worked through this before is a testament to your relationship and your feelings for one another, but it's important to nip it in the bud before it happens one time too many.

You said, "....she admitted that what she said was spur of the moment, anger talking, and really what she felt at that moment...." I can't say how much of this is PTSD, BUT keep in mind, PTSD does cause people to shut down emotionally sometime, to become emotionally distant at moments, even from those they love, etc. At least I have heard it does, and in my experience with my ex, I think it is true. If you are fighting a lot (as my ex and I did thanks to me) this may make her feel even less safe feeling, and cause her to put up these walls even more. Now, I can't say that she loved you at that moment, but maybe she still did. You see, lack of feeling, doesn't always mean the feeling is not there, as crazy as it sounds. I don't have PTSD, and I am not your wife, but sometimes I surpress emotions. There was a situation in the past, when, during this numbness I was feeling, I questioned if I cared for anyone. I did. Deep down, that love was still with me, and I felt it again after the numbness evaporated. I think it was there even when I felt numb, but I just didn't have access to it. I was shutting it out. Maybe your wife still loved you deep inside her, but was shutting it out.

I love my ex and I regret very much what happened between my ex and I. Partially because I miss him, but most of all, because he deserved better. Anger is so hard to get a grip on. Have you and your therapist talked to each other about discovering the root of your problem? You can cure the surface issues temporarily, but they will always come back, if the root is not addressed. Good luck to you and your wife.