Ihateit,

First off, I went back and read the previous post you cited in this post, and I responded to it if you want to go check that. Now I want to reply to this one.

I sympathize with this, "Wow, did I just *$% up...what the hell is wrong with me!?!?!?" I know that feeling. And since you and your wife are going through a very delicate time, yes, it is VERY important this gets under control. But I understand what you mean. Even when it was of utmost importance not to "rage" I still did sometimes. It is difficult to control anger. As I said in the other reply a few minutes ago, you and your T must find the root of your anger. I think part of my anger stemmed from the fact that it was safer to be angry in some ways, than to be hurt. To feel sad and hurt made me feel vulnerable. I didn't want to feel vulnerable. It made me feel weak and scared. It was safer to feel angry. I felt stronger then. In some ways, more in control, and safe, even though I wasn't. I was not in control. I was out of control, and I was not safe, and people I loved, were, emotionally speaking, unsafe, though I never struck anyone except in self defense. But anger hurt me and it hurt others. Even when I realized this, it was hard to get over the anger, but it helps somewhat, and is the fourth step to overcoming anger, I think. Step 1 is to notice the problem, step 2 is to admit it, step 3 is to seek help, and step 4 is to discover the root of anger, so you can attack your problem from the source!

I also wish I could follow my own advice, but seem to never do it. You admitted anger stemmed from your insecurity. A lot of mine did, also. Anger happens as a defense mechanism against hurt almost, but ironically, it causes so much hurt. I was on the defensive and attack, even when I didn't need to be.

My guess is your wife was just busy, but you seem to recognize this, which I think is good. So, you can be rational and this will help you out.

Okay, admittedly, that convo started off badly, but I can understand. Sometimes I snap over things I shouldn't. But you said, "...and I'm getting more and more upset...mind you I am watching my temper, and my tone now, I caught it and had stopped." Wow, congratulations! This is a great step! I have dealt with anger issues and had a lot of trouble catching and- mostly- stopping myself, especially when the anger was rising. It is a very good sign that you have this control and chose to exercise it.

You said,"But I don't get it...I can understand getting busy at work, so wtf am I thinking? This is a battle that didn't even need to start, yet alone be fought!" Sometimes it is difficult to understand our own motives, but it is very important you figure out why this is triggering you in order to help overcome your anger. Please discuss this with your T.

You said she now, "has problems talking to me, telling me lies (inadvertently, lies of omission, none really straight out verbalized), and has a huge problem communicating her feelings to me." This happened with my ex (he had PTSD, I had anger issues). They are afraid of being open with us because of fear of starting a fight, perhaps? But communication is so key in keeping a relationship running smoothly. You need to talk to her about the importance of this, but also reassure her that you understand why she is afraid to be open and honest and you don't blame her based on past events, but that you are really trying to improve and that it is essential you learn to be open, honest, and communicate with one another. Tell her you are going to do your best to make her feel comfortable and safe talking to you, and then you need to work on this really hard. You have to make her feel it is safe to be open and honest with you and to discuss her problems with you, even if her problem relates to something you did. I know it's difficult, I am not saying it's easy- just that it's important.

I wanted you to know, I really do understand why it hurts you and why it makes you feel insecure when she doesn't automatically respond that, "yes" she loves you. We have been told when you love someone, you just know. This isn't always true. When you are dealing with feeling numb, sometimes you question your own emotions because you are at times, temporarily shut off from them. And with PTSD, emotional distancing is common, correct? However, you said earlier she was upset and saying she didn't love you, so maybe she is just working back up to letting herself access that love for you inside her again, and admitting it. But I think it will come if you just give her time. I know it must be hard, and in your situation, I know I prob. would have been snappy, too. But we have to control that side of ourself to protect ourselves and others. Anger is our defense sometimes, but the truth is, anger will not protect us from loved ones who mean us no intentional harm. All it will do is hurt us even more, and everyone around us. I know it's hard, but I think you have made a wonderful decision, seeking a T for this!

You said, "To make it worse, and again, remember I wasn't yelling, wasn't talking in a mean voice, I was quite calm after the initial question, and even asked her to tell me if I was talking down to her, she said no...but I made her cry. OMG! Someone hit me with a friggin 2X4 in the head!"

Well, I have done this before, too. Gotten really calm after awhile, numb sometimes even, but was still being cold and saying mean things. This hurts others also, not just the hot anger, but also the cold anger. I understand how you feel with the 2x4 comment, I have felt the same way before, and yes, I have made people cry and I regret that, but I can't take it back. I believe you love her. And I believe you have a problem. The fact that you know you do and are getting help will hopefully be your saving grace, and I hope you can fix the relationship and your own issues.

You said, "She said it's ok, but today was just a bad day all around, she's got her period, and she's really emotional today. I find that odd too! What!?!?! She doesn't cry, she hides her emotions, period. She feels if she cries she's showing weakness, she's showing that she's vulnerable, and she just doesn't do it. I was such an @$$ that I broke that point and made her cry, OMG...anyone have that 2X4?"

Again, I understand what you're saying. But maybe it wasn't all you. Hormones make us more prone to crying and being emotional, anyway, and she said other things were going poorly that day so it prob. all built up. Also, she might not like to cry, but sometimes that stuff happens whether we want it to or not. Also, her PTSD might cause her to shut some things off sometimes, but can't PTSD also make you emotionally sensitive as well as emotionall distant? Maybe that was a day when her walls were up less and she was feeling more vulnerable and sensitive? I understand why you feel so bad, but just try to use that to remember to do better next time and to motivate you with getting help. I do understand where you are coming from.

It is really difficult in a relationship when you have anger issues, and when the other person has PTSD, that is a difficult combo. It's just the nature of the two beasts (anger and PTSD). But I think you still have the chance to make it work, since you are seeking help. I wish you and your wife all the luck.