Quote:
Originally Posted by NuckingFutz
Just writing here is difficult. Although I haven't been formally diagnosed with post tramatic stress disorder (I'm a veteran and don't want to um, lose benefits because it is a personality disorder...)
Anyway, this PTSD I believe is a direct result of my upbringing. I was adopted into a family where I sustained over an extended period of time, psycological abuse from my adoptive mother (long story, I was part of a package deal with my two biological sisters.
I've had sustained periods where I am feeling normal, but lately, it's like spending you life feeling like a deer staring into the headlites of an oncoming MAC truck. I'm scared of the world.
I'm on meds that help. I'm about to try some healing through Buddhist medidation and beliefs (this has helped me greatly before). Since I started experiencing the abuse at a preverbal stage, sometimes I have trouble dumping this part of my crappy past and getting on with life.
I am in the process of applying for social security disability insurace. I just started the process, so I expect that it will take some time to go through the process (years I hear). I based it on my bipolar illness as well as several physical minor handicaps.
I have the housing and the food thing covered. I also have a roommate that takes care of the everyday stuff right now because some days, I just can't seem to get out of bed.
I guess I just need encouragement and see if anyone could relate to any of this.
I feel like I had a former self that was strong, productive, made some ok money. Kinda miss that me, but I guess I'll have to make friends with the new me....whomever that might turn out to me.
I started practicing Buddhism and that has helped a lot...as long as I worked at it. I'm also going to find some info on PTSD and read about it.
Is there any hope for someone like me?
Primarily, my PTSD reacts strongly to strong negative emotions such as other people's rage, their anger, as well as having some negative thoughts running around in this old head of mine.
|
Hi there NF,
I'm so happy to see another practicing Buddhist. I was in long term retreat (2 plus years) when my PTSD terror started to surface. I came out of retreat and went to work--but unfortunately, the flashbacks, panic attacks and depression continued.
I was over reacting to everything. I had problems on three jobs, and was let go on two. Same theme--impatience with authority figures.
I'm currently in treatment with a psychologist under Victim Compensation--what brought the whole PTSD to full bloom was I was violently attacked by my neighbor after having had the police to my house three previous times with incidents with this guy.
The external injuries were minor-but I had to emergency move--sell my house--and I had just started a new job--which made me look like an employee with 'personal baggage'. Ironically enough, I was a case manager for a mental health program serving dual diagnosis felons.
I was in foster care as a child--both my parents were mentally ill and could not care for us. My mother was schizophrenic, not sure my fathers diagnosis but he attempted suicide many times finally succeeding in 1981. My foster aunt scapegoated me and physically and psychologicallly abused me. The mental torture was worse than the bruises I wore to school on a daily basis. She seemed to spend all day thinking of ways to 'break my spirit'. And she was a staunch Catholic, a pillar of the community, went to mass daily and had the priests over for dinner. She put make up on my bruises and sent me off to Catholic school. All the neighbors knew and no one did a thing.
I was too scared to tell the social worker the truth.
I was in two Catholic Charity foster homes, and in the care of two different aunts, and my grandmother before finally going to live with my dad and his boyfriend behind their beauty shop when I was in high school. They were closeted gays. My dad was a sex addict and alcoholic, and on a lot of meds for psych stuff. He had missed his 'little girl' and what he got instead was a pissed off teenager.
My uncle sexually molested me, but I stopped the abuse myself--and compared to the other problems I had the sexual abuse was the least of the damaging events in my life.
I didn't intend to make this 'all about me' but I just wanted to let you know I think we have a lot in common and I look forward to supporting you in your healing.
I do recommend seeing a therapist especially one who does EMDR.