Yesterday I had more oral surgery. Only two and a half hours this time. It's necessary for me to have nitrous oxide whenever I undergo this type of surgery.
Part of my childhood abuse involved my abuser playing dentist...

With the help of my therapist, we devised a plan where I would not bite the surgeon or cat scratch him to get away.
Yeah, I've done it...
Part of this plan is the use of the nitrous oxide. It's been used several times and it does help me and the surgeon. My surgeon is aware of my history and works with me...

Usually I don't give it a second thought. Yesterday was different...I wanted those twelve seconds of float-in-feel-good. Wanted it. Was Happy I was going to have those few seconds.
It's the first time this has happened to me. My mind is usually geared towards the surgery and fighting my fears.

It shocked me so much that I wanted it that I didn't take the prescribed pain pills. Stupid of me, but I was mentally uncomfortable.
The surgeon called to follow up with me and was slightly POd that I had not taken the pain meds. As he pointed out, it was only making it worse--jaw clenching, etc. and it could increase the bleeding/slow down the healing.
About 4am, I took one and went into a restless sleep.
Another call from the surgeon late this morning to check on me...same pointed advice about taking the pills.
It was so hard for me to take them. The area was still oozing blood and my ear hurt, and I do not want to go through another surgery because of my hesitation about taking these pills.
The pills do not make me high. I get sleepy but have no feelings of being high/relaxed/etc..

They are narcotics, and after my happiness yesterday about the Twelve Second High, I don't want to take them.
I've a fairly good pain tolerance but oral surgery brings me to my knees.

I'm going round and round about this mess. I didn't think I was above wanting to feel high, but it's been a very long time since I've wanted it.
So it shocked me yesterday.

Right now I feel blue and damned if I do and damned if I don't concerning the pain meds.
If I can tough it out for the next few days...which will deprive me of sleep and that won't help anything.

I'm sharing about it because it's getting near the next dose. I felt like a failure this morning when I took them.

Cap