Where did my post go on Mothers day depressing me go? It was here but anyways I will post it again....
Today it is really bad... I am so DOWN and I hate this weekend....My mom abandoned me when I was 2yrs old and for the last 47 yrs has lived 20 minutes away from me and has wanted NOTHING to do with me....she is NOT someone I want to have anything to do with anyways...I HATE her and the PAIN she caused in my life....but I MISS having a MOM and having her HUG me and HOLD me CLOSE and SMELLING her and HEARING her heart beat...the things a child remembers of their mom....but I do not have those memories at all...NOTHING....I miss not having a mom and mothers day is VERY depressing to me and I HATE it every year....My T is working so hard with me and he knows every year that I have a hard time. It is so nice to have someone relate and understand....Just need some people to understand and relate with right now....
I have grown kids of my own but I have a VERY hard time giving them hugs....it just does not feel right....feels yucky to me...like me trying to eat peas the veggie I have hated all my life...and not vomit....I HATE being this way with my own kids but I was not taught to love them so that is all I know....and being angry at my mom I took my anger out on them by abusing them. My kids and I talk and my family (not my mom) have been and some still are in therapy working on our issues...but still very HARD to get close to each other and say how we feel....mothers day we go through the motions but that is about it... I HATE that my kids give me cards with stuff written in it and some mothers would cry but me.... I DO NOT cry...it does not effect me in any way....I feel DEAD inside...emotionally DEAD...
I just want to go to sleep and never wake up...I HATE my life....I wish I was not alive..... My family deserves better so much better then me