I know that 'J' isn't being supportive, I can see that but at the same time I know I'm loosing him and that should probably be a good thing, but I've only ever loved two people and he was the one that helped me to look at myself and make me want to change for better. I stopped using drugs because he opened my eyes, he showed me what I could be. I built myself an empire that is now falling down in ruins around me... I've moved to a place where I always seem to loose myself to the bad things around... He helped me to see that I could do better than what I was doing when I met him but now I seem to be going back to the old.... I think its partly because of the depression of getting rid of this child but also because I am loosing him as well... He was what kept me going for so long and now I have no idea as to what will keep me going. I have not only lost a child now I am loosing my best friend and lover...

Still cant eat... and 'N' is getting worried about that he said hes going to take me to the hospital if I don't start eating, he really is a good friend... he sits with me when I cry and holds me when I ask him too, he can see how much I am hurting now... and he cares... thats all I want of 'J' but I feel that it is too much to ask of him because I know that I have hurt him... something I swore never to do.