ok.

so YET AGAIN im the problem its me being an attention seeker, im the one whos being bad. doesnt occur to you to perhaps question WHY i dance around i sing i dress pretty i neowm like a ****ing plane does it? maybe i DO want attention. whys that do you think? perhaps its something to do with the fact that otherwise id be ignored and alone. im sick of being alone, its awful. and i try to pretend im happy so that you dont run away cuz u think im pathetic and im alone again. but then yknow. in the end i end up overcompensating and acting childing and you think THATS pathetic. and im attention seeking of course cuz i talk to you about how im scared for lucas, i try to tell you about how i miss terry, and none of you give a flying ****. none of you care enough to even work out whats going on in my head, none of you care enough to consider that i lost the only person who i trusted enough to love, who didnt love me, and i lost one of the most beautiful girls ive known. i miss terry, i could sit and talk to her and she was mature, she was gorgeous, she was intelligent. she told me i was a good person. and she made me feel like she wanted me around. is it so hard to say in the morning, 'hi, how are you?' and if i say 'fine,' and you know im not, why leave it? i dont. if someones not fine and they say they are i say bollocks tell me. because i give a ****. why is it i sat there and hugged you and told you you were perfect and you were great the way you are and i cleaned you up and i tucked you into bed and i stopped beaver doing anything stupid because he felt useless and i tried to sort out joe and i try and try and try but none of it matters. because people notice me. and you dont like it. i do make people notice me. because im lonely. noone listens to me or wants to listen to me when i say 'i hurt.' because im just being pathetic. course i am. cuz i dont matter. and i couldnt possibly be in pain.

oops. i didnt really intend for it to turn into a rant.