"This is no good" to almost everything i do.What the heck.

I am tired of feling ashamed of myself. I am tired of thinking that i am to blame for everything. I am tired of thinking that i am lazy, not tallanted, not as deep and interesting a person as i thought b4 i came to college and didn`t understand what do they want with the****ing "concept"y as i did the illustraitons with an artist i know - i couldn`t get rid of my panic.

I kept feeling and thking "****! what if they say its no good. I AM NO GOOD. only N and D and Al and many others are moving on with the project and are fune. "Its good" they get it "its really wounderful typographic work" and me - - -heck. amd to me only " i don`t think its good. no go back to your sketch book, it looks like a work of a first year student not one that is about to graduate.

I am tired of thking and feeling it. ******* them to ****ig hell. I wish they could feel the way i do!

I want to believe i am good, too! I did pass, however, from one year to another. I did get some fine works.

With my mother to whom generally i don`t open up and speak - because she has the tendency to freak out and I feel like i am TO BALME for the fact she is nervous. I think - if Dad enters the room that he entered to yell at me for upsetting mom. As a chiled i was moody, i wasn`t nice to people and my mom was angry with me so angry she actually felt sick - because i wasn`t smiling and nice to her friends. I was just distant and such.

Heck and what a nice thing - i am wasting my tgime worting this post insteac of doing the ****ing project that caused this post in the first place!

Ho God WHEN WILL THIS END????
I am soooooooo t i r e d of suffering. I jsut want to relax and forget about myself. I want to forget i ever came into college. into that foreign city and started living with that fat *****. How hard it was and how i got used to panic and how hard it was to do everything all of the sudden. on my own.

I want to feel like - before college. I lost somehting very basic during the years.