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I'm sorry that your mother and father are ill, and elderly. It is a difficult situation when siblings go and help, and expect you to also. However, you could talk to your siblings and tell them that you just can't go down to help out due to your own problems at home. They don't have to know what kind of problems you are having, nor do they need to know the real reason why you can't go down to care for the parents. That is for you to decide who to tell what to, and depending on whether or not you think it would be passed around to all the other siblings.
Your mother's veiled attempts to get you to come down to care for them can just be ignored if you choose to. If she can't even ask, then there is something there that she knows beyond doubt that you would say no to her if she were to ask you point blank. So, unless she can ask you outright, don't feel bad about something. The veiled attempts could be a guilt complex of her own doing, knowing she made your life miserable while you were growing up.
We know that we could never EVER take care of our mother. She is too utterly controlling, demanding, and downright mean to us and to our daughter to ever consider it. She would either have to live on her own or live with other relatives. We cannot now, or ever, deal with her the way she is toward us. She is the same way--she gives off veiled attempts at what she wants but never says it so we can hear it and understand it. We decided a long time ago it was in our best interest to have a good long distance relationship with her, rather than a bad local relationship.
Don't know if this helps. Hopefully it does. We know what feelings you are feeling, as we are in the same spot, both emotionally with our mother, and relationally.
Crys of Jewels
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True love exists when we lose ourselves to invest in the care of others.
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