Welcome Skydancer,

It certainly sounds like you've had alot of recent stress in your life, and it makes perfect sense that it is making you reel and triggering some of your own issues. So sorry this is happening to you!

I too am diagnosed with Complex PTSD. I also have been able to keep up a "normal" appearance among my acquaintances, family, and colleagues. I've taken college classes and have worked a full-time job for over 20 years. But I "cracked up" about 10 years ago, when I was 34. Everything I'd stuffed down and dissociated began to break through my defensive wall of denial. And . . .well. . .I've been in therapy ever since.

Nobody in my daily life would guess that I have serious mental health issues either. I'm superficially friendly with people but never let them get too close to me emotionally. . . certainly not close enough to talk about my past traumas, insecurities, and fears. I don't share my angst-written poetry with anyone in my life except my t. I am good about keeping up an in-control fascade, and have been fortunate enough to avoid getting triggered into a meltdown at work or in public. I'm introspective, and an introvert, and am terrified to let anybody notice that I even have small, hurt, traumatized child parts of myself that I have dissociated and that have been locked away for so long. Even after 10 years of therapy, I am still working on trusting my t enough to see and work with these aspects of myself.

I have read that it is those very emotionally disturbed, but highly functioning people that get the least understanding and empathy because people in their life really do not believe that there is anything wrong with them. They appear so normal. On the rare occasion that my husband or in-laws have witnessed a dissociative meltdown (only 1 or 2 times), they were very surprised to see me that way and fearful about what to do, as they had never seen me in that condition before.

I know it isn't good to do this, but sometimes it feels like my life's work to guard and protect my dysfunctional side, to keep it hidden from everyone. Because I just cannot feel safe and OK to be who I really am inside. Hopefully, with enough therapy and healing, I can integrate the dissociated parts of myself and live a more unified, authentic existence and communicate from my real self, rather than having to hide so much of myself and only show pieces of who I really am.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go on and on about myself. You're the one needing support right now. You're going through alot, and we on the board are here for you, to listen, support, and respond to your needs as best we can.