I don't define myself by what others think of me. Why did you have to ask me what I think of myself? Jeeze, I like the fact that I am bold and I speak my mind a lot of the time, I am able to pick my battles, other times though I will just slink away and watch from afar something I so badly want to do right now with this whole thing. As for what makes me special... I dunno I guess my talents, like photography, and my writing.
I always take one day out of the month to just sit with myself and appreciate who I am. I cant really do more than that because then I begin to scare myself... well my thoughts do, they always seem so dark. actually thats one thing that lifted my spirits in this dark time of mine. I just got done doing a photo shoot with a friend, they are some really twisted photos but its a passion of mine and making something beautiful like that is just amazing to me... photography is something that makes me feel so alive...

But I think that my choice of abortion has caused me to step back and look at all my faults but the thing is my darkness is what makes me who I am, and all my life people have been trying to take that away from me and make me a 'Happy' person. One of my friends just recently asked me if I thought that happiness was meant for me. I had to think long and hard on that and finally came to the conclusion of NO its not. Any time I begin to feel happy or content with a situation it is taken//stripped away from me and I have to rebuild a new empire for myself each time... Its like that guy who has to push the big stone up the hill but it always rolls back down... he is me and I am him. And I don't mean to get off subject or anything but its like when I told 'J' that god was dead (to me more) or that he didn't exist... you see I think I said it to lash out at him more than anything, but I also did it to prove to him that am NOT Christin, if I am anything I am Pagan. I guess it hurts that he wont accept me for being what I am anymore, its almost like he's a completely new person, now that he has chosen to go to Jesus... he use to be atheist, then he was agnostic and now hes gone hard core christin a place that I dare not go.... he scares me now, and yet I still love him. I don't want to look back to this time and think//know that I not only lost a child but also a good friend//lover.