Ok...I am trying to understand....in her mind, and heart, by me discounting her feelings about my treatment of her as not being abusive, actually makes it abusive?

There is no doubt there have been times we both have been verbally abusive... and I hate it when we both lose our cool, and say things that neither of us mean.

I guess, a question i have...how likely is it that i am not being abusive, and she is overyl defensive, and/or exagerates the situation?

ironically, some of the "signs" or definitions of verbal/emotional abuse...when I apply them to me...some of her actions seem to fit the role of abuser...is that possible?