I had an amazing session with my T today... we worked through so much, and I'm so glad that i made the decision to switch back to her. I've known her for aprx 3 years now, and so she's not afraid to call me on things - which is exactly what I need.

Through the past couple of sessions, I've been mid-sentence and she's interrupted me asking questions, or re-framing what i'm saying into a statement. This might sound harsh, but I really talk around things a lot and so I need this form of structure.

Anyways, today, she asks me if I feel as though there is something that I am "getting" out of being depressed. Obviously, my initial reaction is a) offended and then b) oh crap.. what if she's right.

So I ask her "what could I possibly get out of being depressed?" Unfortunately, my brain could only half focus on her response because it was so busy justifying why I would NOT be getting anything out of it. What I did manage to absorb though was that she said it can become a part of a person's identity. And that sometimes, even though we may feel like crap, being depressed almost allows us to not strive for greatness because we think that we can't obtain anything... so its almost safer for us to not put ourselves out there.

I argued that there have been times in my life where I have felt ok, and that depression somehow has found its way back. So if i did "get somthing out of it" why would I go through periods of feeling good? And why would I be working so hard at staying happy?

Anyhow.. what do you guys think of this? Can you try and look at yourselves objectively and see what you might get out of it? I realise this is an odd question, and I had to really look deep to find any answers (because clearly being depressed doesn't feel like a choice)... but I think that maybe my T hit something on the head. What if I do limit myself to possible goals and achievments because somewhere in this head of mine, i feel as though I can't... I can't because of the depression.. and that makes me feel less guilty for not trying?

thoughts?