Hi Cramer,

I've read your thread carefully. I am a guy, with a 25 year marriage, and I nearly lost it two years in and then managed to turn it around. It was worth it. Before it turned I was getting into the situation you describe.

I try not to give straight advice on the boards, in case it comes out as patronising, but I'll tell you what I did.

1. By an effort of will I stopped arguing with my wife. I imagined that everything I said to her was seen by her as frightening (my father used to be frightening in an argument) so I stopped arguing - period.

2. I listened to what she had to say, all the sentences, as openly as I could. I tried to hear what she wanted, not what I thought she wanted.

3. I took all my neediness, my hopes for our marriage, and put them on the backburner. It was one day at a time without conflict, that's all that mattered. Simple everyday things done in a quiet way. I said to myself "I will show my calmness in the home, not my fear or my anger".

4. I gave my wife some space, and took myself out of the house for a few nights of the week, doing something not related to us. It was something challenging that took up a lot of effort, and I put my emotional energy into it.

5. I didn't try to 'get round'her' or win her over in any way, I just started living a more normal life and let her see that I could relax in her presence.

This was bloody hard to do, but after a long time, maybe six months, she came up to me and said, "I do love you."

Cramer, with the help of your counsellor you can do this. Take the heat off, give your wife a holiday, focus your emotions elsewhere, whatever it takes. Then she will maybe be able to see a guy who she can fall in love with again.

If she doesn't come round it will a shame, but at least you'll have given her every chance to really see you without all the issues you have built up between you.

I really hope it works out, especially for your children.

Good luck, Myzen