Quote:
Originally Posted by peaches100
Welcome Skydancer,
It certainly sounds like you've had alot of recent stress in your life, and it makes perfect sense that it is making you reel and triggering some of your own issues. So sorry this is happening to you!
I too am diagnosed with Complex PTSD. I also have been able to keep up a "normal" appearance among my acquaintances, family, and colleagues. I've taken college classes and have worked a full-time job for over 20 years. But I "cracked up" about 10 years ago, when I was 34. Everything I'd stuffed down and dissociated began to break through my defensive wall of denial. And . . .well. . .I've been in therapy ever since.
Nobody in my daily life would guess that I have serious mental health issues either. I'm superficially friendly with people but never let them get too close to me emotionally. . . certainly not close enough to talk about my past traumas, insecurities, and fears. I don't share my angst-written poetry with anyone in my life except my t. I am good about keeping up an in-control fascade, and have been fortunate enough to avoid getting triggered into a meltdown at work or in public. I'm introspective, and an introvert, and am terrified to let anybody notice that I even have small, hurt, traumatized child parts of myself that I have dissociated and that have been locked away for so long. Even after 10 years of therapy, I am still working on trusting my t enough to see and work with these aspects of myself.
I have read that it is those very emotionally disturbed, but highly functioning people that get the least understanding and empathy because people in their life really do not believe that there is anything wrong with them. They appear so normal. On the rare occasion that my husband or in-laws have witnessed a dissociative meltdown (only 1 or 2 times), they were very surprised to see me that way and fearful about what to do, as they had never seen me in that condition before.
I know it isn't good to do this, but sometimes it feels like my life's work to guard and protect my dysfunctional side, to keep it hidden from everyone. Because I just cannot feel safe and OK to be who I really am inside. Hopefully, with enough therapy and healing, I can integrate the dissociated parts of myself and live a more unified, authentic existence and communicate from my real self, rather than having to hide so much of myself and only show pieces of who I really am.
Anyway, I didn't mean to go on and on about myself. You're the one needing support right now. You're going through alot, and we on the board are here for you, to listen, support, and respond to your needs as best we can.
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Thanks Peaches-
I know exactly what you mean. I functioned well, I had my own counseling practice, I had numerous stressful social work positions over the years and functioned quite well on them.
It's been since I came out of long term spiritual retreat that I 'cracked up' and my trauma bled through.
What's frustrating for me, is I don't know how to discuss the spiritual aspects of how this relates since mentioning my specific path is forbidden on this forum.
I have some baggage from my church/family of origin, and it has caused me to transfer that onto to my current spiritual community which has been my source of strength since 1982.
It just complicates things.
Also I'm working through the baggage I've had from shame based, lousey parenting, and when the admins tell me I've done something wrong--such as posting the name of the author of a prayer I posted--because it specifically mentions what tradition the prayer came from--it pushes my feelings of authority figures wanting to control me.
I wanted to quit this forum yesterday--and I sent such a request--which means my membership could be terminated in the middle of this sentence.
I'm getting the message that questioning that policy is forbidden--which seems opposite to what I'm trying to achieve in my life--which is follow the wisdom of my body and my heart.
I'm sure things will work out one way or another.
Thanks for the post,
short term sky