Sooo I finally saw T today. My wednesday appt got cancelled b/c she was sick. We were in the weekend room...the one with the window.

She always asks what's been going on? I sat there and didnt say anything and then said I know you want to talk about what happened the last time I was here (which was almost 3 weeks ago). Of course she says "yea, I'd like to know what was going on". So I asked her do you want to know what was going on in that moment or after?? I was trying to keep my explanation as brief as possible. So said she said "yes, in that moment and after--whatever you want to tell me".

I told her I didnt want to tell her b/c it's stupid and I am 26 years old and shouldn't have reacted like that. I sat there quiet (i guess I was gathering the courage to just say it) and told her I wasn't mad at her, but then I said "ok, that was a lie I was mad at you, but I wasn't really mad more so than I was nervous/scared b/c I thought you were getting ready to yell at me" and she looked shocked. And she said "I am trying to figure out what I said or did" I told her she didnt do anything and that I knew she wasn't getting ready to yell (after the fact), but that is what it felt like in that moment. Then she said " I wonder where that emotion or thought would've come from. I didn't get the impression that there was any yelling going on when you were growing up, that your parents/mother only ignored you". I told her there was. She asked "what would it have been like if you could've expressed that emotion/those thoughts to me?"( i hate those questions) I sat there quiet and said that I didn't want her to get upset with me for my getting upset with her. She said that's because of the type of response I have gotten if I've ever showed any negative emotion.

She said "well, this is a safe place for you to express those negative thoughts and emotions. it's okay if you get upset with me. Im not going anywhere and Im not going to get upset with you". She said "in the future if I do something to make you upset, can you tell me in that moment? it's okay to say 'T you're pissing me off' I won't get upset with you. I would like it if you'd be able to do that". I said okay....maybe

All in all it was decent appointment. I really like my T. I hope this appt was the start of a new chapter for me....