Thanks Em, I just sat in the bath and thought about the word "Muddle", why the Muddle suddenly, what is it I would want?? I mean T has said shes sorry for the misunderstandings unyet that didn't seem to be the issue, then it hit me!!! BONG!! I think I'm trying to show her how muddled the relationship with my adoptive mother felt, it always felt niggly and wrong and I want that "Smoothness" with T, I dont want our "Muddles", yes thats it!!, I am experiencing the deep split of feeling between the "Mothers", and its uncomfortable and yukky and horrible and I dont want it, but the hope is, with T, there will be a "smoothness" again, I Know with her I can get back to that place, where as with my adoptive mother we seldom managed it...we were always in a muddle relationship!.