I think that reading here interferes with my therapy. In my therapy, the therapist maintains neutrality and does not direct the therapy. This is the therapy I want yet I am also conflicted.

T does many caring things, accepting phone calls, offering her cell #, returning phone calls when asked, adjusting her fee, etc. But I feel conflicted because it doesn't feel personal. I also want the therapist who hugs, holds a hand, etc. Yet if she did those things, I know I would feel in danger of .. being smothered, patronized, the anxieties reinforced...?

I read here and then I feel disappointed that my experiences with my therapist don't compare. I take that with me to therapy and then it feels like something she is doing, something she is denying me when in truth it is just my thought and not something she is offering or denying. But I react to it, by being quiet, by sitting silently in anger, by devaluing what she does offer, until lately I've just felt this nothingness about therapy and about her. I feel it yet I remember when I didn't feel it so I am trying to just let it happen without acting on it (quitting therapy).

Or maybe I'm looking for reasons to withdraw, wanting (as we've talked about) her to draw me out. Testing her? Testing me?
I spent much of my childhood and youth secluded in my room in emotional pain and confusion. I wanted the love I saw in the world, but not in my world.
Maybe I am there again.