Darrel, I looked at your questions yesterday but needed a little more time to think about it before answering.

<font color=yellow>"What I said, what I wanted, what I needed, just plain didn't matter to anyone."</font color=yellow>
Did you consider yourself to be no one?

<font color=blue>Not at that point, actually, but that was a message that started to sink in and by the time I was a teenager I did feel like a nobody.</font color=blue>

<font color=yellow>"nobody listened to me"</font color=yellow>
Did you decide to stop talking?
<font color=blue>Again, not yet, but eventually I got to the point where it just wasn't worth the effort to try to get anyone to listen to my side of the story. I was very quiet, starting at about that time. I wasn't shy at all as a preschooler - I actually was very outgoing - but that is one aspect of my personality that was permanently altered. I still say very little in real life situations. When I was in high school someone made an observation that I never said much, but when I did, people listened. I guess that's true - when I did decide to speak up I still spoke quietly and everybody tended to stop talking to hear it. </font color=blue>

<font color=yellow>"I wasn't worth it."</font color=yellow>
Is that "them" talking, or you?

<font color=blue>That was the conclusion I drew based on that nobody cared enough to make any effort to meet or even recognize my expressed needs. Nobody said the words, "You aren't worth it," but they always gave excuses and didn't ever look for ways to do what I was asking for.</font color=blue>

How did you confront your sister about copying you and lying?

<font color=blue>I don't really remember confronting her, but I was really mad at her. I bet I probably did accuse her of lying and just saying that it was my fault because "my sister made me late" was my line I always used and she copied it from me. My mother took her side though. Since I was the oldest, I was supossed to know better than fighting or getting upset about things.</font color=blue>

Can you think of any pleasant experiences during this time?

<font color=blue>I had a couple of friends. I was so clingy and dependent on them though. There was one girl who had been in my class in second grade, not third grade, but we were still friends. She had a sister the same age as my sister too. Sometimes we all played together, both at school during recess and outside of school too a little bit. And there was a boy who tried to rescue me from the bullies. His idea was to walk home a different way - sometimes it was way out of the way and took a couple of hours to get home, and I was lost but he seemed to know where we were. It was like an adventure, and I got scolded for being so late getting home, but it was fun.

Visiting my grandparents was something I liked too, but it was a three hour drive to get there so we didn't go very often. When we did go we stayed for a few days or longer.</font color=blue>

Do you think the faculty and your parents made you the scapegoat? Why?

<font color=blue>No, I wasn't blamed for problems in general. I was just expected to stay out of everybody's way and not bother them.</font color=blue>

Were the bullies waiting for you, or just hanging around when you came by? What happened if you tried to fight back? Were they boys, girls, or mixed? What sort of things would they say and do?

<font color=blue>At the time it never occured to me that the bullies might have been after anyone else. They just appeared and started picking on me - I was never even sure where they came from but it seemed like they were watching and waiting for me to come by. There was one way to walk home that was the most direct route, and two alternate routes I tried, and I encountered the bullies on all three routes. Sometimes they might have followed me. Now it seems likely that they would have settled for any kid who looked like an easy target - smaller than them and alone. It never occurred to me to fight back. There were usually two or three bullies, and they were a couple of years older and a lot bigger than I was. I might have tried to run once or twice but they caught me and knocked me down and threatened to kill me if I resisted again. It was not always the same kids - there were at least three or four boys and one girl. The girl picked on me at school too, and one thing she did was spit gum in my face or something - I couldn't always figure out what was hitting me. When I was walking home from school knocking me down (by pushing and shoving or tripping me) was one of the main things (they got mad if I didn't fall down easily enough) and also pinching my cheeks.</font color=blue>

Did you tell your parents about the bullies, or the teachers? How did they respond? What did their responses make you think?

<font color=blue>My mother noticed that I was getting home late, with red and swollen cheeks and scrapes and bruises, and asked about it. When I came up with a description of the bullies that was good enough to identify them she reported it to the school, and I don't know what they did but the bullies were mad at me because they had been punished, so they picked on me more. Later on after we had moved and I went to a different school, I felt threatened by some kids there and told a teacher. Then, I was told not to complain about things and that I was probably wrong to feel threatened - that kids are just like that. I think it was just teasing then. All the responses just made me think that it was useless to ask for help because it never made anything better and usually made it worse. I was on my own and hopeless.</font color=blue>

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>