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Mar 09, 2009, 12:03 AM
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Originally Posted by ECHOES
In my therapy, the therapist maintains neutrality and does not direct the therapy. This is the therapy I want yet I am also conflicted.
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I'm sure this resonates with most of us. A huge part of therapy is learning to tolerate ambiguity and foster autonomy. A non-directive approach helps us be in control. It also helps us explore and examine what it is like to not always think and act in extremes. However, the ambiguity can be frustrating... I know.
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T does many caring things, accepting phone calls, offering her cell #, returning phone calls when asked, adjusting her fee, etc. But I feel conflicted because it doesn't feel personal. I also want the therapist who hugs, holds a hand, etc. Yet if she did those things, I know I would feel in danger of .. being smothered, patronized, the anxieties reinforced...?
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Have you discussed this with her? I had many (slightly embarrassing) discussions about physical touch-- everything from shaking hands to hand-holding to hugs. We talked about how each one would feel and it felt great when he said that we would never hug, yet he gave me "permission" to visualize and feel how it would be. After about 2 1/2 yrs of seeing him, he held my hand in a moment of deep sadness and pain. He still does this occasionally, particularly to help me become grounded. Sometimes as I leave, he might put his hand on my shoulder briefly. I found the physical touch to be very connecting and empowering, but also frustrating because I wish it could take place every session-- but on the other hand, if it became habitual it might lose its specialness and powerful feeling.
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Or maybe I'm looking for reasons to withdraw, wanting (as we've talked about) her to draw me out. Testing her? Testing me?
I spent much of my childhood and youth secluded in my room in emotional pain and confusion. I wanted the love I saw in the world, but not in my world.
Maybe I am there again.
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Maybe you are just so used to being isolated that it is very difficult to let someone into your world, your experiences. I think you are right on when you say you are testing her and testing yourself. I think we constantly test our therapists to make sure they don't run away when we express strong emotions-- we are testing to make sure they stay.
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