Please, please--Do Not Hate Yourself!
There is no reason for beating yourself up...at any given moment we are doing the best we can.
I think it's damn good that you are being honest with yourself, and sharing with us.
It takes courage to do these things.

Abusive sponsors are not the norm in any program, but unfortunately they do exist. Perhaps as you ease back into a program it will be easier for you to spot one so you can stay away from them.
BTW, an abusive sponsor is not sober; they are dry. There's a bid difference between standing with someone getting sober and belittling their efforts.
Seek another one that will encourage you...
In all fairness, there are some folks who are comfortable with a brash and pushy sponsor. Because you need a different type of sponsor doesn't mean you are a failure.

I relate to the chronic pain issues. It's walking a fine line, isn't it? We need relief yet we need to be careful with our drugs. Like any other drug, it's trial and error to find one that works without dragging us down.

Chronic pain syndrome presents many symptoms, but there are some useful treatments being used and more being tested...please don't give up.
You can do this, multipixie. But getting down on yourself is not going to help in any way.

Keep posting, stop beating yourself up, get back into a program...anything to help you get through another 24 hours.
Perhaps speaking with your T will give you some good suggestions.

Early in my recovery I also had a mean-spirited sponsor; one I fired because I knew they were not right for me. Doing so led me to the most wonderful sponsors. They didn't take any BS from me, yet they were by my side every step of the way...and they still are.

Peace and Power,
Cap