[quote=confused22;966101]
Quote:
Originally Posted by anxiousdude
hi
not sure if this is the correct forum folder for this but
i have this extremely unhealthy need to please everyone around me which means that i do anything anyone asks me for them etc , without properly looking after myself
does that sound selfish?
Caring for yourself is not selfish, its essential for your very survival. if you dont look after yourself, then no-one will; least of all your inconsiderate friends.. I have experienced the exact same issues as you. Ultimately, I decided to ditch all my toxic friends. It was incredibly liberating. I had found myself getting hurt and blaming them for the situation but eventually i realised that i was acting like a victim and that i had options; i didnt have to be friends with these people- I made that choice so i began to see what my role was in the sorry mess. Eventually I reasoned that if they didnt make me feel good, then they weren't worth my time. Thats the criteria i still use today.
However its only the beginning of my journey towards greater self-esteem etc so I'm at an awkward phase right now. My trust in people in general is gone. It's sad but I am paranoid of being hurt again because I honestly cant take it anymore. So at the moment, I'm in "hibernation" metaphorically speaking but I know I'm on the right track and will get there eventually. I try to take care of myself but I find myself relapsing into self-destructive behaviour-old habits die hard....  in my experience, it requires constant vigilance to maintain boundaries and take care of myself-probably because this is such a relatively new concept to me. After years of self neglect, I'm finding the transition is painful and slow but as I have said, I'm only at the beginning.
The most important thing is that you have recognised this pattern. Most people pleasers never realise what they are doing so are doomed. You are already one step ahead of the pack...therapy,support groups and self-help groups are all good ways to learn to undo this. hope you continue to progress....  |
Boy you guys have no idea how close this hits home. Lately I have really been going through a lot because of things my sister has accused me of. I am not a fighter and it took me two months to tell her how I felt because I didn't want to hurt her. All my life I have tried to be what I thought others wanted me to be just to fit in. All the while I was made fun of and was the cootie bug of the class for 6 years. Guess you know how my self esteem was by time I entered High School. It's followed me ever since. For years when the family would have get togethers, I would walk into a room where my sister and two cousins, we are all within a few years of each other, were talking and if I said anything it was like they totally switched the subject or just turned away. I felt like I was invisible, worthless, having absolutely nothing of value to add. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and pull the dirt in on top of me. My sister and two brothers also have had me in tears by acting like I had just said something so stupid. Even now in my 50's they can make me cry. Ultimately I made many bad choices after school, losing a lot of jobs, falling for many wrong men, never being able to be me, to have a good healthy path for adulthood with goals and rewards. Lately I have been doing less for others. They don't like it. My sister kept telling me to stop letting others walk all over me. When I stopped and started trying to say NO and take time for me to figure out who I really am, everyone just falls away like they have no more use for me. Not just my sister but also my kids. I raised kids and grandkids for 37 years, most of it as single. We went through alot of changes and hard times but they knew I was always there for them. I gave my all for them. Over the last couple of years, mom was in and out of hospitals and nursing homes for a fourteen month period and it was very trying. Dad missed one day out of all of it. My sister and I both started out going daily in the beginning, but after a few months decided to switch every other day since we were both working. There were times when we both would need to switch a night and it was usually ok for me because I have no life. But for her, she has friends and I remember her whining about she would do it this one night but she would have to cancel her plans she had made and wished she had a life. Since then I have devoted more to helping the folks just so she wouldn't have to spend so much of her life helping. I even moved in with them and left my home for a 6 month period when mom was well enough to go home again. Some weeks I was at my house, which was right in the middle of driving to and from work, about 3 hours total. My sister would come one day on the weekend to visit. I told my mom that I am fine helping because this what God intends for us. We are to take care of our parents in their golden years. When you have siblings, it shouldn't take so much out of one. I work 45 hours a week, have 6 living children, (lost a son 3 years ago at 33 yrs old with a major heart attack), and I have 17 grandchildren. I miss them terribly. One thing that I am realizing is that when all the kids and grandkids had moved out and were on their own, I was left with a major empty nest syndrom. No one to need me. And my health just seemed to start going downhill then. Basically I have gone from taking care of kids into taking care of parents. I had no time to figure out a life for me so I could say I have this to do and can't do that right now. No time for what I can do for myself because I don't know exactly what I want to do. Oh it is so confusing and complicated, I'm sorry for boring all of you, just have to get it all out sometimes and this has really been weighing heavy for some time. Thanks.