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the past 4 months came to a frightening explosion today, an inevitable blowout of anger like i never remember being able to express.
day by day i've felt more and more paralyzed until this weekend, our 29th anniv. I just went numb, silent and non-functioning.
i had talked to god, prayed to god, begged god and finally today told him i hated him, me and my spouse with everything in me. I seriously thought something horrible could happen and made a frantic call to my t.
they got me in this afternoon. I wore solid black all over - which would be silly affectation except for the black rage spilling out of me. Something finally broke inside and i faced how helpless i was back then and how powerless i am now (2 diff. Things) it was a holy experience and a stronger part of my original self emerged from the rage. I asked god to name this part of me and he named her deborah after a courageous woman who lead israel when the guys couldn't get willing to do it.
god showed me that i am exactly who has wanted me to be "grit and all" there was more to it and i have a nasty bunch of programs to continue to undo and replace with truth. But today is something i am pretty sure i will date life by what was before and after this day. God knows me and cares about me and it was so liberating. It is impossible to recreate this experience for you in words. But i think you will "get" it.
i do appreciate every encouraging word on here. White-iris, i do not know if i will be able to immediately check in on 12-stepping for did, but i am intrigued and will hope to get back to it. Hugs to each and every one of you who wants one. You folks are awesome
deborah/leslie and the pixies
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  HEALING HAPPENS
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