I had a pretty rough session tonight. I'm sorry I didn't bring up the email issue. Maybe one of these times.
I ended up chatting about all kinds of things before bringing up my relationships issues. We talked alot about that, then somehow we got to the topic of my moms death and school.

I told her how my school instructor really suggested I take the semester off but I told her that I couldn't that I needed to keep going. So I did and my class mates would come up to me and say how awesome I was doing and how they don't think they could ever do that.
Then I started to cry, I said they had no idea what I was feeling. I said my insides don't match my outside. I can go and do my thing and no one would ever really know what was going on inside of me. I said I get angry with myself for that. She said have you ever self injured, like cut, burn, try to hurt yourself ect. I said no but I have thought of something bad. She said can you explain that. Or somthing to that effect. I said there are times where I just want to die, where I feel like my life would be better off.

I said I have no intention of doing anything bad but when things get really hard I think about that. She said I was doing such a good job opening up and sharing about this. She then said I want you to know that people who have been abused often have thoughts of that. I felt much better knowing that I was not crazy having those thoughts. Then she told me that opening up like that is really good and that the more I do it the better it will get for me to be able to tell her how I really feel inside. We talked more, then she said, I think we should stop here, you worked really, really hard today.

As I was getting my jacket on she said to me, do you like hugs? She said I have lots to give. I said I wouldn't ask for one. She said, can I give you one, then said something to the effect of some people just feel better or more assured getting one.. I said sure and she gave me a nice big hug, it was really sweet of her.
I was just talking to someone last week about wanting a hug and how I would never ask. I am so glad my T offered one at such an important time for me.
It was a really difficult session opening up like that. I had this fear that if I told her about wanting to die sometimes, that she would want me to go to the hospital and there was no way I would do that. I have too much to do with school, it would mess everything up for me.
I pushed myself to tell her something really hard and personal but I am glad I finally opened up a little to her. I hope to get better at that. She was very reassuring.

Hangingon