WARNING- Very LONG, rambling, repetitive (can't spell), and whiny dribble. Skips around a lot. The grammer is bad, I do hjave sentences, run-ons, everything. I am just rambling. BE WARNED. I want to talk to someone about this, but I am too tired to say all that I wish to say. I have talked to others about this, but no one really has anything to say other than basically one of two responses. Most people don't respond at all and those that do can only say this must suck for you, maybe you could see a therapist and the others say what's the big deal? Basically, call me a whiner. That's all. I appreciate the sympathy of the ones who say they are sorry or it sucks, and I need to talk to a therapist, but I want someone to tell me something to help me work through this, but maybe I can't. It's about my dad. Well, not just my dad really. It's about men in general, but more specifically, my father. I grew up with a father I loved that always said he loved me. My parents divorced when I was 4, but I not only recall the fight that ended my parents' marriage (the final straw), but I also recall dad living in the house with us. Just some different specific events. Some sad, some weird, some happy. I was 5 when I saw my dad again. At first I saw my dad every other weekend for one day, but not a night. Later, though, as I got older, I started spending the night and would see him every weekend or at least consecutive weekends fairly often and would sometimes stay several days and nights with him and his side of my family. This lasted until I was around 12 or 13. Then it ended. Honestly, I kind of think it was partly my fault. I took my dad to court to have my name changed and he threw a fit and got arrested. It was really messy. I think about it now though and I am not sure who's fault it was it's all so blurred. I remember thinking that I didn't care to change the parts of my name that reminded me of my dad because he was no longer part of my lfie anyway. I felt it was none of his business. He didn't pay any child support anymore- didn't try- and I am thinking at that point that he wasn't having anything to do with me much. Not like before. I remember thinking he had already started to abandon me. I think maybe I felt I was being rejected. Yet I think of time lines of things happening and I can't see how this is the truth. I am so conflicted. My memory doesn't fit with the times things occured. It seems like he had already started to stop calling, and stop visiting. ESPECIALLY stop visiting.....and I couldn't call him. He said he had no phone, so I had to wait on him to call. I think he was pushing me away, and I don't think I would have tried to change my name (being named after him) if it wasn't for this. I don't think this is the pure reason why I wanted to change my name, but I think if he hadn't been abandoning me somewhat in my head and prob. in reality already, that I never would have attempted a name change. At least not since I was named after him. He seemed really upset by it. We had to go to court to have it changed and he went to object and he stood beside of me and never talked to me- never looked at me. I know it seemed really harsh of me, but like I said, it really seems like I felt rejected and like I was being pushed away at this point. I felt like I was no longer any of his business. Anyways, after that things just got worse. I really think it had already been awhile since I'd seen him and that we didn't talk all that often, but regularly enough. Afterwords though it got to were we didn't talk at all. Actually, I am kinda thinking that he might have already pushed me almost completely out of his life before the name change incident. I am so confused my memory has faded so much and it used to be so sharp. It seems within the last couple of years everything has just become a giant faded blur. I really think he had already pushed me away though because now that I think about it I remember neither I nor mom expected dad to even show up at the hearing to change my name. If dad had been seeing me like usual, we would have both known he would be there to protest. I know now remembering that, that yes he had pushed me away and I don't know why. Anyways, I know I saw dad at some point when I was 12. I am almost positive I saw him a little after 12 & 1/2 even. By my 13th b-day dad didn't come to the party, he didn't send a gift or a card, and he didn't call. Anyways, I am 22. Well, 22 & 1/2 this month actually. So, it's been almost 10 years since we've spoken, dad and me. I also have no contact with my 2 half sisters on dad's side. One is still living with my dad so if I can't get in contact with him I can't see her. As for the other one, I don't know where she is really. Maybe I could find out, but am so nervous to contact her again, but I want her in my life. I feel like we could have been closer had dad introduced us at birth, but he didn't. It was sometime after he and mom were divorced (not sure hopw long after) and he told me he was taking me to see my sister- my other sister (I was only aware of having one half sister on mom's side). And it's like what sister? I have another one?! Maybe that was party her mom's decision though- that we not be introduced at birth. Anyways, after me and dad cut ties, my cousin on mom's side told me that dad was always asking him about me when he saw him out. My mom said at one point that my aunt on dad's side (dad's sister-in-law) said dad told her (my aunt) that he wanted to contact me about 3 yrs. prior to her and mom's convo, but for some reason didn't. Like, maybe he thought I didn't want him to. Then, a few years ago, I saw one of my cousins on dad's side out and about and he told me that dad loved me and I should contact him. I waited awhile. I wanted to- had been wanting to- contact dad....but I have anxiety and I am such a loser (dad would reject me I knew) that I postponed it. Finally, I called dad's brother and sister in law since dad's number is unlisted. My uncle answered and I told him who I was and what I wanted- dad's number. He said to hang on and I heard him tell his wife who it was and what I wanted. Then I heard my aunt tell my uncle that my dad didn't want his number given out. She then took the phone herself and told me dad's number was unlisted. I knew that meant, yeah we know it, but we don't think he'd want you to have it and we're trying not to come out and directly say that. Well, I asked if they could tell dad I was trying to contact him and my number was in the phone book & they said yes. He never called. I thought and still think, foolishly I suppose, that maybe it was because my phone line is often plugged to this comp. and when it wasn't it was busy a lot. Yet, still, he could have called my mom or my aunt or anyone and got to me if he had really wanted to talk to me. He prob. never tried to call. Anyways, over a year and a half ago, but less than 2, I got sick. I was dieing actually. Luckily what I had has a high cure rate if you get to a hospital before it's too late, so I ended up being fine. I had a lot of people praying for me and I feelnlike that really helped. I recovered much sooner than expected. Anyways, sometime after I got out of the hospital, I found out that my father's sister had been contacted. Well, one of them, that is. That someone from mom's family tried to get dad's number and was again denied by a different person. Then, they told them I was sick in the hospital and that "we" (as in the family) just wanted my dad to know. I know they knew this meant an open invitation to contact me. Not only should dad have known at this point that I was trying to contact him not long beforehand, but also, that my family was now inviting him to as well- and I was sick in the hospital. No call. No check up that I know of. I wondered could he love me at all? In the beggining everyone seemed to think dad cared for me and wanted to speak to me, so what was this? I wondered again if it was my fault. You see, a few years ago. Maybe 3.....my mother got a thing in the mail telling her to come to court. It was over back child support. It said dad would pay all he owed but didn't feel he should be forced to keep me on his insurance until I was I dunno 20 something. 21, 23 I dunno. Anyways, mom thought dad was calling it in to settle or something. Then she found out it was a case she filed like 3 years before and had never heard mentioned since. I had origionally encouraged mom to go through with that. Wrongly perhaps. However, at this point, I didn't care that much about the money anymore and I told mom to not cause dad to go to jail. He had already been ordered to pay it before. I didn't want him to go to jail and when I told her not to let that happen she said she wouldn't. I think I may have even told her not to make him pay if he didn';t want. I don't remember. I just remember thinking it wasn't worth seeing him in prison. Anyways, she tried to talk dad into keeping me on his insurance but he declined and she offered to take off some of the money./....maybe half of it...can't recall...if he'd keep me on. It was free for him to keep me on his insurance because he al;ready paid for the family plan. He declined. Anyways, she made him pay. I think that was sort of my fault, but really maybe he should have helped mom more financially in the first place. I felt guilty about it in a way, but I'm not going to lie. Mom gave me half the money. I prob. wouldn't have bothered taking him to court for it at that point though. Mom said had the letter never came in the mail, she would have let it go too. Anyways, I wonder if that changed his mind and made him decide he didn't want naything to do with me anymore. Then I think, how could he know I was at all responsible for that? It could have all been mom. So, why would he hold a grudge about that against me? And to the point to take me off his insurance when it was free for him? Thanks to that I do have to pay. I have a bill for over 20,000 owed in hospital bills and that's AFTER I had some of it taken care of. I mean, they actually did away with part of my bill. I think I may have owed more like 30,000 at first. Anyways, I sort of think dad wanted to take me off his insurance even before this went to court. That time I mentioned that my aunt told my mother dad had wanted to talk to me 3 yrs. prior, but backed down? Well they had that convo when mom called her to see why my insurance card wasn't working. This was before mom made dad pay the back time and he had basically had me removed and mom made him put me back on because he was legally required to since he hadn't paid so much child support. The courts told him to. Anyways, they tried to make some excuse up, but I think he just wante dto take me off his insurance. Who knows. I don't know. I know nothing. I am just trying to make sense of why my dad hasn't talked to me in about 10 yrs. despite my attempts. I called my aunt and uncle (the ones I origioanlly asked for dad's number) after I found out that dad supposedly knew I was sick in the hospital. My uncle said he had never heard I was sick so he doubts that dad knew. I asked him if dad knew I had tried to contact him and he said "I think he knows." Well, he either knew or he didn't cause his wife and him were my message carriers for that. So, yes dad knew. Then, I asked if he knew why dad didn't want to speak to me after all of these years. What had I done that was so bad he couldn't forgive me for after all this time? Why didn't he want to speak to me? He basically said, "well, I don't know that he doesn't (want to speak to you)." I said that it seemed that way. Then I said if he thought it would cause trouble, not to bother with it, but that if he didn't mind, to tell dad I said I loved him. He said he would. I believe him. Still no call. What does he mean, I don't know that he doesn't? Is he being held hostage by my stepmom or some crap? I mean, seriously, if he wants to contact me he can. The thing is this....well, part opf the ting is this- I really want dad back in my life. Maybe I can't have that, but I'd at least like closure. I want a goodbye, but I can't even get to talk to him personally and everyone else tries to sugar coat and dance around things. I also want an explanation. Why did he start pushing me away to begin with. Does he still love me? I want explanations and answers and a goodbye. Even if he called and said, "I hate you, I hope you die, never speak to me again!" it'd be better than this confusion and this nothingness. I want closure. More than that, I want my daddy back. I want to know where everything fell apart. I want to know why I am the only one who wants to put it back together. *sighs* Okay, besides this, but related to it.....I think I have been trying to replace my dad with a father figure. I know some girls do this and they start romantic or sexual relationshiups with people that others think are father replacements. I think most of those people didn't know a father's love very long, but I did know it until I was a teen and I know it is very different than romantic and sexual love, so I am not seeking this. I mean, yes I've had crushes on older males, but never thought of them as father figures, then I have had older men that I wanted for friends and sorta father figures, but never thought of romantically or sexually. The two just don't mix with me. Father figure + me + sexual= EWWWWWWWW! Anyways, the thing is I know I can never replace dad. I don't even know if it would feel right if I had him back. I don't think he could replace himself. I mean, I don't know if it could ever be the same, but I want it to be. Anyways, I am the type of person who is anti-social to a degree, but when I do socialize, I don't careif I make friends with older or younger people, men or women, girls or boys. Yet, I think older men do have a special attraction to me. When I become friends with someone I love the men and women and girls and boys equally. I mean I love some people more than others, but my point is gender and age don't seem to affect my amount of love I have for them after I know them well. However, in the getting to know you stage, I desire the attention and approval of the older males more. I am especially drawn to those who resemble my dad or this one step dad I had. I miss having a father figure and I try to give that to myself. I also miss having men in my life that can love me without thinking of me sexually. As a kid, I seemed closer to the men. I don't know if I was just naturally drawn to men (like my niece) or if it was because the men in my family seemed to play more with the kids. The women wanted us to be happy and safe, but the men actually did more of the playing with me. Anyways, I was closer to men as a child and now I am basically close to no men. I used to be really close to one of my grandpa's (I think I would have been close to the other one as well, but he died when I was really young and I didn't get taken to see him as much either), and to my father, and my uncles on mom's side. Then, when I was 4 my parents divorced, when I was 5 I saw dad again, when I was six, the grandfather I was so close to (like a father) died, and as I got older I got distanced from my uncles emotionally and they from me and then at about 13 dad dropped completely out of my life. I never found it easy to make male friends since it seems that while people all around me have genuine, long lasting, platonic friendships with guys, males generally tend to either want to have sex with me or they could care less if I am existant or not. The only guys I am really close to are my boyfriend, my nephews, and well I guess sorta my brother in law. I love him, but we aren't really close. Anyways, I am finding I feel really akward around males now since I haven't been able to be around any who wanted to relate to me unless it was fighting (because they hate me), trying to mate, or just ignoring me. I want a male to care about me and not being sex into it. *sighs* I guess there's not much to love about me. As for my step dads- One I loved and I think he loved mom and me, but in a way he was a jerk and he was insanely jealous and possessive so he's out of the picture and thinking about somethings I think maybe I don't want him as my father figure. Besides, everytime I try to contact him it makes him think of mom and he contacts her. She doesn't need to deal with him now. Another step dad I had tried to make nice with me, but I was in that stage were I wanted everyone to stay the hell away from me. Then he and mom seperated and just went on dates. A couple times I thought he hit on my, but it was just a couple times and they were spaced so far apart maybe I am insane. Maybe I make too much out of nothing. Yet, there was a time when a man had to be freakishly blunt before I felt he wanted me. Now I am overly suspicious of everyone. Thing is, that makes me think of the- men only feel 3 ways about you- angry/hateful/disgusted, indifferent, or lustful. I swear I am suspcious of basically all men now. Anyt hat are nice to me at least. I keep wondering what they want. I had developed a relationship with a male cousin on dad's side (want to interject here that I always felt like I wasn't part of dad's family. I always wated that I think. I know I do now) and thought yay I am connected ot dad's family and I have a male friend/family member I am close to again. Then he told me he wanted to have sex with me so bad it hurt and I got disgusted and needless to say we no longer talk. Okay, skipping around again- there is this one teacher I think I would like as a person despite gender or age....except I suspect he may be a bit preverted, but I don't know. I don't want to think he is, but I am suspcious. Anyways, since he is an older male and since he looks like the first step dad I mentioned (loved each other, but kinda a jerk and a psycho) and since he's the type of person I'd prob. like as a friend anyways, at least at first glance, I really wanted his attention and to impress him. Yet, I was put off cause he's so touchy feely. I mean he doesn't smack my butt or anything, but he's really physical with everyone. Honestly, the type of touching he does isn't necessarily sexual, but it could be depending on the intention and thoughts and feelings behind it. I wonder sometimes if he gets turned on and gets sexual release by touching people....even just a little. One day he put his arm around me and the odd thing was it wasn't around my shoulder like I'd have expected him to do. It was around my waist and I think, though maybe I imagined it, that he pulled me in just a little. I was uncomfortable, but part of me missed the affection so bad. I mean, I was always really affectionate as a child, but that got killed outta me. Anyways, plus I liked the idea of a man showing non-sexual affection towards me. Yet, part of me wanted to pull away fearing it was sexual. I was tense, but I kind of disliked it and kind of liked it. Later, on a different day he put his hand on my shoulder or something. I can't recall what, but it wasn't as affectionate, and I let him and I let myself enjoy it and pretend that I knew it meant nothing sexual. Yet, I am afraid it does. *sighs* Basically here's the thing- 1. I want dad back or at least an explanation and closure. I feel I have so messed up. I also want a connection to dad's family, but I feel like they never really thought I was one of them and I never felt I was, so where's the hope now? I also want my other 2 sisters back. 2. I want to replace my father and have tried doing this with various men and am still trying. I think it's unhealthy, but I want it so bad. I am afraid I am just going to get mixed up with perverts and dissapointed when I discover this- if not worse. 3. I want men to love and to love me back as family or friends for once. I feel akward and suspicious of men. I don't want to feel like we are in 2 different worlds. We really aren't so different. I have always felt close to men and I feel they reject me now. I feel like I equal sex, or the enemy, or nothing to them now. Even my cousin made a pass at me. I know men and women can be friends and see it all the time. Why don't men like me? People in general don't, but esp. men. Any advice?