Hi A,

I have read through your message, and I can feel the isolation and loss that is hurting you. When there is something that we didn't get in our childhood, and we need so badly, the emptiness can seem to grow and grow.

A friend of mine, who lost her father in childhood, once said that she thought she was looking so desperately for a father, that she thought she might find one under a bush somewhere. It's crazy but that's how she felt.

I'm estranged from my birth family and have been for 25 years. My father died eight years ago. I remember doing that desperate search for a father that would BE a father for me, and then one day I had this vision of a lonely little boy and I felt such a strong feeling of care for him. It was as if I was watching him in his suffering and that little boy was me.

I decided that I was never going to find my father, so I would do something about it. I would be my own father. I would look after myself, and care for myself just like a real father would.

This is only my story, it's not advice or anything. Maybe a good counsellor or therapist will help you to find a way of reconciling with your loss. I really hope so.

Good thoughts to you, Myzen