i love that post too.

yes i am a survivor. they tried their damndest to kill me...in so many ways. but they couldn't. i wouldn't let them. i made a vow to myself. i would be STRONG and i would FIGHT. as a 4 year old.

the rapes, the beatings, the being sold, the hanging, all of it...and there was so much more...it hurt every cell of my and soul. but they didn't win.

i could very have died. sometimes when things got to be too much i tried to be dead...but that was different...it was death on MY terms...on my hand...not theirs.

strength is essential to me...not just physical but mental. it is what kept me alive thru all those years (47 to be exact). it is what got me to college when they said they would kill me (i managed to find a way to get a full ride as a jock) because i was " too ugly to get married and produce children so i would be a drain on society so they should just kill emwhen i was 18." did i doubt them? hell no.

now i may have been an overweight woman with major health issues who couldn';t have run more than 4 steps but inside i was a strong warrior. an image in my mind? yup...but it worked for me.

until this past year when i ended up overmedicated and lost control of my life. too many prescriptions and i lost most of the memory between december and august...fell got a blood clot, hurt my shoulder, ended up hosptialized, major drug side effects, etc...it was hell. i lost all sense of strong.

then i was a victim of mental illness and of abuse...

in december with the urging my of t i found a cheap gym to join. oh god it was so great becoming strong again. i go every day...work out like the crazy person i am. i can see my muscles beginning to gain form. i can see my spirit growing also. imy mental health has improved tremendously (at least now when i threaten my pdoc that i'll hurt him if he changes my meds maybe now he might actually be afraid as opposed to just laughing like before)

now i am strong once again. and yes i am bcak to being a survivor. and usually when asked i say i am a RAPE survivor and then say an abuse survivor because i want people to be aware that the horrors of childhood abuse are real and not to be glossed over.

stumpy
(feeling proud but who has got to stop listening to her rocky soundtrack before bed because she never gets to sleep that way!)