Hey Orange Blossom:
It's been a long time for me as well since my mother died from "suicide". I don't pretend to know how you feel, but loss is loss no matter how you roll the dice! I never stop wondering what might have been if I'd only been there for her during that time. I feel anger, sadness that never leaves, and a sense of GUILT that may never not leave it's mark in my head. I know it wasn't my call or anything I could do to stop her, but I tell myself "that's not the way it feels"!!!
Stay focused on who you are and who you want to be, that's what she would want. And by the by: take my advice, I NEVER use it!!!
I miss her more than she'll ever know, and still I wonder...........WHAT IF?